Thoughts on my future

I was recently asked by my counsellor "What do I want out of life? What do I want in the next five years?".

It is a tough question because 'I don't know' is the answer.

What does anyone want? To be happy. To have family and friends around them. To go on adventures and feel the sun on your face. To find or maintain love etc.

The list goes on and on. But when we really delve deeper into the question, what is it that we want? Or more specifically, what is it that I want?

As a young lad, I was socially conditioned to believe that the wants of the many were a house, a wife or partner, to have children, nice cars, etc. And for a long while, this is what I wanted to achieve.

But, as life does, my wants and dreams have changed. Around somewhere in my mid-twenties, I made the decision that I didn't want to have children. This was a big decision but I was happy plodding through life as I was and the thought of having to tend to and look after children was not very appealing. And so that became my first change.

A few years later, I also decided that the thought of a mortgage for thirty something years did not appeal either and that I would rather rent a place giving me the freedom to up and leave as and when I wanted. So I moved out with this in mind and the second change became.

The job was a given and after years of bouncing around between jobs, I settled in the defence sector for just over five years. However, after a crisis of conscience and a bout of rather heavy depression, I left that sector and have found myself working in the environmental sector which is much more up my street. And here I have been for nearly six years. I have worked my way up from a Project Manager to Senior Project Manager. I have worked on some multi million pound projects across the country and I get to work with some amazing people. I am also on the companies Employee Ownership Trust (EOT) board of directors. It still blows my mind to see my name against the business on companies house website. Makes me feel all very grown up.

After all the information about my Father came out, my whole family's lives changed. My Mum and Father split. My Father moved into a little flat whilst awaiting his fate from the courts. As such, my Mum decided to sell the family home and downsize as she did not need a property that big for just her.

My Brother and I were living in a rented house a few miles away. Before my Mum sold the family home we moved back to live with her and help her do the place up. During this time, my Mum offered us both enough money to be able to put down a deposit for a mortgage. Despite my reservations about having a mortgage, it seemed to make sense and so I gratefully accepted the offer and set about buying my first home. It was a little one bed flat in Portchester, Hampshire. I moved in in November 2019 and was content enough with the property and my life. 

Then last year, I went through a couple of events that changed my life. After having lived in my little flat in Portchester for about 15 months, my then girlfriend and I bought a house in Cowplain, Hampshire. It was a three bedroom house in good condition but it needed some major updating. We set about doing this but I became so focused on making our home beautiful that I neglected her. This coupled with other issues in our relationship, brought about an end after two years and a few months. She moved out and I bought the house off of her using money that my Father long term loaned me. 

So the second change that I mentioned previously was undone. I had wanted to rent, had done for a while and then ended up in my second purchased property, alone. I still own the house and live here with a lodger but it is funny how our minds can change given opportunity and reason.

Two of my closest and dearest friends have both had children over the past three years. One has a young boy and girl, and the other a boy. My Brother also has a little lad and my Sister has two boys and a girl. Plus I know many other people with kids. I used to find the whining and crying, the deficating and mess that children create, agonising and horrible. It put me off massively and made me pretty resolute on not having kids. I love all the ones in my life, especially those of my family and closest friends, but there is also a part of me that stayed resolute about not wanting kids. That was until I nearly had one myself.

Last year, a young Lady and I had a couple of 'fun' weekends. We would later go on to date for a brief while, but at that time, it was no strings fun and that was all. I was away on a solo walking trip taking on the national three peaks. As I was driving from Scotland into the Lake District, I received a message from said young Lady telling me we needed to talk. I was sat in traffic at the time and so said to her to let me know what was up and that we could talk whenever. I received two photos of positive pregnancy tests. I immediately called her and we talked for a few hours. We decided to have the rest of the week to think about it and we would then talk again at the weekend.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that really the choice was hers and the best and only thing I could do, would be to stand by her decision. It is her body and her choice after all. I can offer my thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I cannot make her do anything she did not want to do. And so I told her this. She was very happy with my point of view and said that most men would not be so open minded or understanding.

We spoke again at the weekend and decided to terminate the foetus.

We lived a couple of hours apart and so I offered to come and be with her as she went through the termination. She was going to take some pills that would essentially flush her system out and thus terminate the baby.

Unfortunately she then contracted COVID and ended up doing the pills without me. I still feel bad that I could not be there with her, but it was her choice and I respected her bravery and decision.

But then something I didn't expect happened. It slowly dawned on me that perhaps I do want a child after all. Human nature is a want to reproduce as it is our way of being able leave our mark on the planet. Most animals have an inate drive for reproduction. People that decide not to have children have my utmost respect as I know how hard it is to fight off that drive. I am sure there are people out there that it doesn't phase or even take much energy to decide, but I know for me, when I went through the years after deciding I didn't want kids, I definitely had times where I questionned my decision.

And now? And now, I am 41 years old, I am single and I am indifferent. If I am fortunate enough to meet a woman that would like to have children with me then I think I would be happy to go with it. However, if I stay alone or meet someone that doesn't want children, or already has some, then I think I will be okay to not have any myself.

For a long time I used to tell people that if I did ever want kids that I would look to adopt anyway as there are thousands of young children in need of love and nurture so why bring another mouth on to an already over populated planet?

But who knows? I sure don't.

And so, the first change I had previously mentioned, changed again. But this time into a third change. If it is to be, it will be, if it is not, it won't.

So, what do I want in the future? I don't know is still my answer. 

I would like to meet someone to share my life with, but not for a good long while, at least 12-24 months from now. I miss companionship and I miss romantic love, but the past 18 months have left me scarred and hurt. I need to keep working on myself, becoming better with more understanding every day. This will become the true me and will never stop. Life is one giant lesson except there is no big exam, we are tested the whole way through. I am scared of being alone, of walking through life with no-one to truly share it with. It's great to have friends and family, but when I lie down in bed at night, I have no one to talk about my day with or to simply cuddle and hold for a while, that I miss and I hope to one day find again.

In terms of work, I would like to progress up the career ladder but as Uncle Ben says to Spiderman "With great power comes great responsibility". Am I ready for that? Maybe, maybe not. We shall see. My truest want is to find a job that gets me out into the world doing good. I have always wanted to work in conservation and the field I am in now definitely gives me the potential to do this but I would need to gain more experience and/or study. I have studied a lot over the years and would like to study more. But financing this sort of thing is difficult, especially as I would be doing this alone in the most part. I have also investigated getting into adventure leading. I have travelled the world and been on some excellent adventures (homage to Bill & Ted there), and it would be awesome to either make this my life or to find a job where I can lead others on adventures. Again, this needs time and money.

With my house, I do have a plan there. I recently extended my mortgage for five years which was very fortunate as the interest rates have sky rocketed and a lot of people are struggling. With this five year extension, I plan to use my time to continue doing the house up. Decorating, cleaning and making it ready for me to one day be able to rent it out. During this time, I will hopefully be able to save up and purchase a van or something similar which I will make ready to be my home on the road. That, or I can move away from the little town I grew up and start life somewhere new and exciting in a rented property and leave my purchased house, ticking over and paying itself off. This plan gives me flexibility and a good base if other things go rotten or plans fail.

Most of all, I want to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy with who I am and to keep growing and learning. I have been in a dark place of late and despite all of the work I have done to try and improve myself, I still have a lot more work to do. I would like to find that happy place again, although I do not truly know if I have ever been there. Maybe one day I will, I do hope so.