Okay, so recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Inspired by a book called 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me' by Edward Canfor-Dumas, I have been delving inside myself to understand why recently I have been finding life hard work.
Aside of the fact that I am low on money and my dependency on finances always upsets me, aside of the fact that I currently work in a job that I am not too keen on, the upside being that I change jobs in under a week, but still face the bleakness of an office based role. All these elements put to one side for they are but situational causes, I still feel unhappy, internally.
I have recently been at logger heads with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years but then we've always had a heated relationship. One of those that when the going is good, it's really good and when it's bad, it's really bad! Everyone knows of them or has experienced them. We've been fighting over all sorts of things and recently we both seem to have become desolate and troubled. I think we've reached that point where the next step is needed. On the one hand we have the option of moving out together, starting a family and the kind of things that go alongside such dramatic steps. On the other hand, we have to face our demons and see whether or not our relationship is working and what we're do if it isn't. And sweets if you are reading this, I am sorry for how I have behaved of late, self defeating and not easy to live with I can well imagine. Read on, might make some sense!
There are other factors to my unhappiness. Some recent family events have really taken their toll on not only myself but other members of the family too. My Gran Blackwell has taken a bad turn with Alzheimer's in full swing and her state of health deteriorating rapidly. It is very sad to see. Gran Blackwell has always been the Matriarch of the family, least since I have been alive. My Grandfathers on both sides died when I was young so the Grandmothers have been the leaders of the pack so to speak. So to see my Gran Blackwell going down hill as she is, it gives a true lesson on just how short life is. I remember my Gran's 62 Birthday, the scary thought is, my Dad turns that next year! My Gran Wood is still full of beans but even she must face the tides of time and it worries me that I have not seen her enough over the years, mainly due to the fact the Gran Wood lives in Liverpool which is fair jaunt away from me, but this is a pitiful excuse. I plan to go visit her and soon.
Not only does this all lay upon my shoulders like a dark storm cloud waiting to break, there are other aspects that plague my mind too.
In recent months, my world has been flipped around and spun about. My Father has always been a very influential man to me, teaching and talking with me through various topics and subjects. Always a stern man with little room for the powdery niceties that my Mum has, but my Father has always been quite the rock to me. I love him as a son should love a Father and that will never change. I guess maybe I have just been shown he is human after all! Something I never really considered before. Of course I didn't. This is my Dad, the man that built me toys, showed me how to use power tools, fixed my bike, taught me to be smart, tidy and honest, how to be a Gentleman and how to be strong, not only physically, but emotionally. So to learn that he is just as human as me, well that blew my mind. To learn that he too can make mistakes, tell a lie or cause problems was not something I had expected. Not from my Dad. But as I said, this does not change a thing in my relationship to him, he is still my Father, still the leader of my family clan, still the man I depend upon to be strong when I need him. Just maybe now I understand him a little more human, he's less an oracle of knowledge, more an experienced human, doing the same as everyone else, wading through life just like me.
So with these close personal matters bouncing around inside my head, plus my unrelenting search for truth and enlightenment, I have had a busy mind state of late.
The book inspired me to take a look at myself. Part of the ideology behind it is that we set up our own problems and downfalls, allowing ourselves to spiral inwards when things go bad, self indulging the 'Bad Me' state of mind. I have realised that through this process, I am often my own worst enemy. I think people conspire against me, I doubt peoples allegiances and intentions, I think that people are talking about me behind my back, I basically put up blocks or show anger at things that people haven't even done and then wonder why they react the way they do, well duh! If someone approaches me in a bad mood for something I haven't done, I often react a certain way, usually dismissive and non-tolerant. So why do I expect anything different from those around me?
I apply this question to myself about a lot of matters, my girlfriend and I, my family, my closest and dearest friends, all of which I have demonstrated this stupid behaviour with.
My very good friend Shaunbag is a perfect example. I got very tetchy around him just before we embarked on the Mongol Rally, for no other reason than I thought he had a problem with me. Because of this behaviour on my behalf, he ended up having a problem with me and feeling I reacted badly under pressure. Which, in essence, he was right! I created the situation through my own thoughts and feelings, emanating a bad vibe and then I wondered why he reacted the way he did! Now, well it all seems kind of obvious. Shaun, if you are reading this buddy, I am sorry about that, put it down to experience and learning. Thanks for sticking in there though man.
But I realise that I have done this continually through life. Looking for the bad, seeing problems and fearing rejection when there really is no need for it. But how do I stop it? How do I stop an element of myself that has been key to my personality for years? What steps to do I take to become more self assured, see the good rather than the bad.
My aspirations, reading and travels help greatly. I aspire to become a better individual, more understanding, less offensive and less abstinent. The Celestine Prophecy talks about a kind of life force that emanates from you, paving the way ahead for others to interact with, so if I wish to make my life into something good, then I have to stop pushing the 'Bad Me' forward and open myself up to a better, more positive, self believing side. I believe this is also intrinsic of Buddhism too.
So, as I continue to dream and aim to travel the world, I will work hard, saving as much money as I can, not spending it on frivolities and possessions. I am going to work hard on myself too. I will try to stop being so closed, so easy to think people are being off with me, to control my anger and frustration, to dust off the bad and polish the good. I will allow life to happen and stop being so angered by it. Those that want to know me can, those that don't, won't!
The old saying 'You can please some people, some of the time, but not all people, all of the time' rings true to me now. For I can be only me, allow life to fill me with its paths and wonderment, and I will take one day at a time. Each moment as a new moment!
I will take inspiration from 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me', I will think about my goals, targets, causes and other attributes and just try to be a better all well rounded human being. I hope this makes sense to those I have mentioned and those I have not and that none of you find offence from it. If you do, well please say and I can amended what I have written should you want me to, but this is simply my interpretation of things, my mind state at this point in my day, changing, evolving, learning!
