From the mounting tide of problems that each day brings, I now feel exhausted beyond the comparable and find myself slipping deeper into myself then I have done before. I wonder if half the problems I face are my own doing and in turn as defence I push them on to others, I have become my own turmoil! Pushing away those that care the most.
I am scared of what I am and who I am, for truly, I do not know the answer to either. I wish I could take a breather from myself sometimes! Is this anguish a self duplicitous misanthropy full of foreboding and a unknowing conquest for the answers to life? The answer to that, as before, remain a mystery.
My dreams have become plagued with anxiety and anger. I fight to gain control as terror sweeps through my mind and body, freezing my nerves and scaring my soul. I yearn for the touch of whatever 'God' creates and manipulates this existence to which I find myself a part of. I yearn to find the answers to all my questions, to give me a clarity for which my feelings of guilt are removed.
Every second that passes I fear I am wasting. Using the mundality of existence to excuse myself from the fact that as I work along to the same beat of the drum that the larger proportion of humanity works to, am I guilty of conceding to the rhetorical 'man', dancing when he says dance, working he says work. I have started to believe that I do not fight with my honour and pride as any great human should.
I yield, as so many others do alongside. It is easier living without the questions that should be asked and why so many people choose an escapism other than the mind and body. Adrenaline junkies, artists, writers and politicians, every man, woman and human is trapped in the eternal vortex that we call life. Working to make ends meat, to survive, but what is survival without the appreciation of life itself. Is it 'society' to work hundreds of hands to the bone without allowing the freedom to grow and express themselves as we all should, to see what life is and embrace it.
My fear of death is not one the shrouds my days, making me a frigid and incomprehensible machine, but when I plunge deep into my soul, to face, one on one, my greatest opponent, it simply stares me in the face and tells me that one day, we will all stand there, in the darkness, the terminal, the end!
I cannot answer my own questions on life anymore. My searches for truth seem fruitless. Every book I read, every program I watch, every talk I have, as much as these shed light on the opinions of others, they are exactly that. No one can give me an answer, a statement for which there is an avenue of research, an end.
No, this alone is my quest, but without guidance, how can one ever expect to find that for which they seek!
This nature of humanity, this lustful, animalistic society, survival of the fittest, makes me sorry for my wrong doings but praises nothing that is done right. Man and woman stand to defend their country day in and day out, yet others rip and tear at it, gaining only for themselves! How is this society? How is this humanity?
My sleep terrors may bring fear to my life but in a way I am glad of them. They make me realise that until I stand before Death, I must become life and not just live it. I must see what life is, from the smallest child to the oldest adult, I must embrace every stage, for who knows when yours or my time is up! What turmoil do we face tomorrow? Live each day, each hour, each minute for exactly what it is, another stage in our lives, in our book, in our legacy.
The truth may never been known and as I live and breath, I will never stop my mind questioning that which is and that which can be. I am life and death, now I must choose my path and my journey. Maybe this in itself, is my answer! We are the ying and the yang!
