Many new questions have risen in my mind lately. More morbid and catastrophic interpretations of my time upon this world seem to course intrinsically through my thoughts. I have instilled fear in myself, sometimes making my very spine quiver with nervousness, but not a fear of an object or a situation, more of a fear of my lack of comprehension of life and its workings.
My latest questions seem to have come from my tendency towards martial arts and warriors of history. Obviously in our time now, the thought of becoming a Ronin or meandering Viking have little or no ground for serious thought, but the essence of them, their thoughts and life styles appeal so greatly to me that I am lost in a time of old and the present, trying to interweave two distant times into one conceptual ideal. Alas this cannot happen. As I study my books, the writings of Eiji Yoshikawa in Musashi and of Alex Severin in Viking, I start to learn about and understand these fictional yet history based characters. Musashi was a great Samurai from 17th Century Japan. He wandered the length of Japan trying to learn all that he could about being a Samurai, the mind set, the thought process and the discipline of a noble and great warrior. Viking is a series of books based on a character named Thorgils Leifsson. Although this character is fictional in every sense of the word, the stories that are told of him are based on truth and events that happened very much around the time of the turn of the 10th Century.
Both of these stories feed my hunger for self understanding, to learn all that I can about the human body, mind and soul. In both stories an insight is taken into how the main character perceives the world and what is going on around him. The stories indicate how the world presents challenges and adventures to the main characters and how they in turn deal with these.
Now as stories it is important for me to remember that despite them being based on real events and happenings, their essence is merely fictional and is there only to take you on an imaginative adventure. But reading these books I do not wish to become the character, nor to be presented with the same challenges. What I yearn and strive for is the adventure, the exploration of life and the deeper understanding of ones inner self.
As I mentioned a while back in one of my first posts, I stated that I had recently taken up Viking Battle Reenactment. This is a hobby that is entertaining, fun and healthy. All things that I needed in my life and these offer some salvation from every day life and allow my mind to escape in to esoteric avenues of my self. As a young boy and from what I can remember, I always had flights of fantasy, a crude lust for escapism and for the reality of the social world to disappear from my life. Films such as James Bond, Indiana Jones, The Goonies and many others offered me some kind of release from the normality of growing up and attending school. Although school offered much in the way of education, my years as a youth were neither easy nor fun filled at all times. Bearing the name that I do, although now a blessing, when I was younger and in the company of people that did not understand that which was different, my name was my burden. As with every knock back, these people gave only fuel to my fire for me to prove my worth if only to myself.
The battle reenactment offers me a chance to hone my mind, to dedicate the thoughts and understandings that I have of the warrior. When in battle, if only training, I take all the elements of education that I have studied and try to use them to the best of my skill. Watching the surrounding environment, using my peripherals to study for devious attack, learning the best actions to block, parry and riposte, mastering the use and skill of axe, spear, seaxe and sword. My mind flows into the weapon in my hand, the balance of life and death hangs above me and only I am able enough to move myself to a position of advantage so as not to be beaten, wielding the weapon to my benefit and ultimately slaying my opponent.
Having read these works of warriors and after studying martial arts for many years, I yearn to know how to better myself. I foolishly allow angerto course through me when my hand cannot move fast enough, when my style is sloppy and I am pulled up for silly mistakes. I doubt my ability as a warrior and as a believer in self connection. Yet I continue. To stop, to decry myself for mere beginners fault is a situation I cannot allow myself to befall.
The love for the mysteries of old, the delight of knowing that many warriors have come and gone before me and that from their lessons I can learn to become the warrior that I yearn and strive to be is what forces me on. With knowledge of others I can adapt myself to accommodate not only modern constraints but also tried and tested ideals of history.
But with this I set my mind to yet another goal. The history of the world is vast and unknown to many of us, not just great battles and social events that have changed the world, but religions, peoples of old, councils and tribes from far off lands that have contributed to our modern world. They offer the understanding of living in harmony with the celestial rock we call Earth, how to reap harvest yet sustain a balanced working ecology. We modern peoples take this Earth for granted. We fear the collapse of the o-zone layer, global warming and the ice caps melting, yet we do nothing to aid the stop of this. So we monitor our carbon foot print, we recycle our rubbish, but all this can offer no redemption for the destruction we have caused on not only our home planet but the home of millions of other species too. Agent Smith from the Matrix coined the description beautifully, we are a disease. But why?
Humanity baffles me. After reading all the books I have, having talked and consulted with friends and family and having taken a good look into my own persona, I am still confused by the Homosapien as we are. So much hatred and anger, yet filled with love and passion. We, as a race, are a mystery greater than that of science. We follow no rules, no set paths and no stringent guidelines, yet we exist and coexist within each others lives. We move from place to place conquering all that is there, ruthlessly plundering the resources of an area before moving on, yet we never sow the seeds to fix our destruction. And so my questions return, who are we and why are we? Our purpose in this physical world is short in relation to the universe itself. Are we just a biological entity that exists through some fluke of nature or some godly act? Or are we the on the first steps of a higher plain, learning to adapt and manipulate the world around us to an ultimate goal? My only hope is if there is some God like deity watching over us, observing the way we treat this world, that we are not all tarred with the same brush. That those who destroy and hurt with no sorrow or remorse are not the governing ideal behind those that fight for the freedom and protection of this gigantic sphere that travels through space and time. That humanity has more to offer than a selfish indulgent principal. The warrior fights not only for protection but for the future of humanity itself.
And so I come to rest my mind yet again for these questions cast but further turmoil upon my already battered brain. My despair for this world falls on deaf ears yet I offer my penance, that my quest for a higher plain of existence will show others that not all of humanity is conceited.
This of course relates not to an individual or any person that I know or know of, this is a generalization of corporations and industries that have contrived members of social groups reaching far beyond our imagination. The darkened corners of government and hierarchal powers, the money grabbers that pillage the weak and poor, these are our black shadows, our nemesis for truth and purity yet so many act in the name of the greater good for humanity. Lined are their pockets so care they do not. The warriors and those with power battle as they have in history and so they will in the future!
My quest continues, the yearning for knowledge and understanding does not subside in the slightest, if anything I grow more lustful for the unknown, to see this planet before we destroy it and it's antiquies and beauties, to expand my mind and allow avenues of thought to show me new horizons and pastures, to help me reaffirm my belief in life and my time upon this planet. And so I push forward, the goal never set but the true destination never out of sight! The battle continues.
