Choices and Changes...

What started as a way of musing my thoughts and feelings has grown into something more and it is not altogether wholesome! I have gone from voicing my philosophical ideas and anthropological speculations to creating, more or less, a place that I write down my ailments and mental problems. This was not the intended purpose of this blog. It was meant to be a place to express ones theories or pose questions that have haunted the great minds of the world for millennia. Instead, I have allowed my weak minded blabbering to filter through, sharing information of a more intimate nature, to those that choose to read it.

I know only of a few people that have read this blog and the feedback has been limited but yet it has also been insightful. I have been told I write well, my articulation is good and that I have a captivating stance on certain elements and characters that I portray through my stories and written words.

Bearing all of this in mind, coupled with a vast amount of what can only be described as bullsh*t going on in my life, I have decided that I need to massively overhaul this blog and my ambitions in general.

I am going to close this blog down in time and remove it altogether once I have started up a new and more intelligent discussion forum. But for now I will continue to post sporadic entries describing particular selections from the deluge of profanity and terminal existence that is my life!

But for now, until 2012, I bid thee farewell, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Imagination and its allure...

Life, the second biggest mystery after death itself. What is life? How have we come into being?

What is our true purpose? Are we alone in this Universe? All these and many more questions. I know that I am not the only one to ask them. Hundreds of thousands of people have asked these same questions for millennia, speculating, deliberating, dreaming and imagining the endless possibilities that our Universe has to offer. Yet despite all this research and investigation into these basic questions, we have no resolution or answer!

Death worries me, because I have no idea what follows it. Will all of what I am now simply cease to be?! Will my thoughts and feelings, my dreams and knowledge just disappear?!

Recently I have been seeing my Gran (Blackwell) on my Fathers side suffering from Alzheimer's. Her body withering as age sets upon her. It saddens me so. The matriarch of the family is slowly diminishing leaving my Auntie and my Father as heirs to the Blackwell name. My Gran (Wood) on my Mother's side is also getting older and the years are taking their toll although not yet to the same degree. But this saddens me too. Alas, with my Mother's Mum, I get to see her very rarely and unfortunately have missed the 2 last visits she has made to our home. This must be rectified.

But despite knowing that death faces us all, it makes it no easier for me to accept that one day in the not too distant future, my Gran's will pass away. And in the bleakness that stretches before me, I can see death will come to everything that I love and care for. My family, my friends, pets and famous faces. Even material objects have their time limit. My new favourite saying of late has been this, "Nothing lasts forever". And neither will I!

And so to combat this bleak outlook I dream of a world where I know the answers, where I can be everything I have ever wanted to be. Still as a 29 year old man, I dream of disappearing into the films and movies I watch and the books I read. I dream of riding the light cycles in Tron, fighting aliens and dodging high energy blasts from the Predators shoulder cannon. I dream of meeting the perfect woman, beautiful and flawless, our romance laid out as though drawn from the most perfect moment. I see myself as a Viking crusading across the Danelands.
But yet I know this cannot happen! I let my mind wander these paths so often that when reality comes a knocking at my door, I get angered by it, feeling resentment that I cannot become that which I yearn to be, stepping outside my reality and disappearing into the adventures and worlds of others.

Is this chaos? Is this lunacy? Or I am using these visual and audible adventures as an escape from a reality that at the moment I have limited desire to be part of!?!

But do not get me wrong. I love what I have in life and in comparison to others, I must be so thankful for all that is. Family, Friends, Love, Laughter and Life! I am a lucky man to have all of this.

Yet still my mind seeks an alternative. I am constantly infatuated with movies. The simple idea that the characters in these films can escape what we all must face and detach themselves from reality!

Well this just opens a big envious hole in me and through this hole I let my imagination drift into the fathoms that the movies psychology eludes before my mind, allowing my own mind to wander aimlessly into nothingness and thus in turn detaching me ever more from the realism that I inevitably must return to once my brief trip away from normality breaks down and everyday life returns kicking and screaming.

I long for an escape from life, yet death is not the option I seek. I wish to fly in the clouds above the sky, I wish to swim the seven seas. I want for everyone to be with me yet I search for emptiness and seclusion. I like my imagination, for with him, I can touch the stars, no one ever dies and I don't have to face the harshness that us humans have turned our existances in to!

Life should be more than this!

Pretty much rubbish!!!

I am not a happy chap today and upon reading my blogs entries back to myself, I have come to the decision that I spout an awful lot of bullshit! Excuse the strong language, Tis my mind set for the day!

I honestly have no idea how many people read this or who even gives a shit but I am under the decision that it is full of rubbish. I am not debunking the links or sources I have used from other people, they remain true, but my pontifications and ideas are flawed, incomplete and utter nonsensical blabberings of a man who thinks he is facing the trials of life in a way no one else has! Well I am soarly mistaken!

I think I need to climb down off my cloud and see life for what it is. Rather than dreaming about life, I should be living it. Rather than looking for the mysteries, I should be seeing what is right in front of me!

Right now, I need a major overhaul of my life! Time to kick my own ass!

Spring cleaning...

Spring is in the air, the Sun is shining, the plants are blooming and everything feels good in the world. Well at least for now it does. Recent global events have caused speculation and worry about our planet, the environmental problems we're having and it has got a lot people asking questions, which personally, I like. It's nice to see humans thinking beyond just the daily chores or the next problem they face at work, but seeing the world as a whole and seeing our place on its surface!

The earthquakes in New Zealand, Japan and the various other countries across the world have drawn a strange kind of unity from humans, one I have never really encountered but I can only imagine is somewhat like the countries involved in WWII, although our plights of now somewhat are overshadowed by the destruction and human life lost during WWII. The jist of my point being, it is nice to see humans interacting with each other for the greater good of other people rather than for selfish capital gain. But it is not just a time for natural disasters.

Libya, The Ivory Coast and many more places are now fighting an internal war amongst themselves, turfing out dictators, fighting oppression and seeing the people rise against the wrongs done to them for many years. It is a year of change, a time of new beginnings and the rise of powers driven by the people for the people. Yet, is it not the same countries dishing out the punishments, helping everywhere they can and as much as I praise the UN for all the work they do, maybe they need to be careful with whom they continually use for ratification of problems in these troubled countries.
Don't get me wrong, I like the USA but I worry that as such a young country (in terms of world history) they are going to get their comeuppance! Much like the school yard bully one day picking on the wrong kid, I worry that America and all it's influence and agenda, will one day pick on (sorry, try to help) the wrong people and from that we will all suffer, especially if as a nation, the UK continues to ally itself with the USA in every matter of global conflict. Can we not stand on our own two feet as a nation? We once, many years ago, conquered the seas and land across a stretch that was said to never have the sun set on our empire. Of course this is not what Britain is today, but must we always have Americas side? Can we not stand alone, proud and true, stand by what we believe should be done, being fair, just and British?!?

But enough of politics, for as much as these sort of things intrigue me, it is more from an anthropoligical view then a political one. I am not a lover of politics although I have learnt and understood recently that they are necessary for our societies in this modern world to work! Otherwise, I feel we would be thrown into Chaos with greed and power becoming the building blocks of humanity rather than the softened somewhat media splattered world that we percieve now! One straining for scientific and knowledgable gains! And boy have we had some exciting ones recently!

The recent possible discovery of an unknown particle at the Tevatron accelarator in the US could mean a complete re-think of what is known as the Standard Model, a base concept of physics. If this particle is discovered to exist in a state unbeknown to us until now, then this means the way we have see the Universe could suddenly be thrown into question and dispute, a new era of exploration and understanding. Personally, despite not having the accumen and finite knowledge of physicts and cosmosolgists the world over, I think this brings us one step closer to an understanding of the Universe.

I have been watching Prof Brian Cox's 'Wonders of the Universe' on television recently and it has been amazing to see such a passionate man portraying his views on the greatest story known to man. He has helped me to better understand certain answers to some very bizarre questions that I have had of late. If you have not watched this series and you are of the explorative disposition then I really recommend it, mind bendingly wonderful. Another series to help expand the mind and see humanity for what it is was the wonderful BBC documentary called 'Human Planet'. This was again another jaw-droppingly wonderous program that explored humanity as a whole. Seeing that as a race and inhabitant of Earth we have made some major discoveries, we have adapted and grown in to all enviroments across the globe to reach our stomping grounds of today, this program tests even the most staunch human to re-evaluate themselves in the greater scheme of things and to ask the big question, what is it all about!?!

My Brother (Eldred) and I had a very in depth chat the other evening, was very deep for a Tuesday afternoon, but our discussion was about a theory I had kind of heard and kind of embelished on. The theory we were chatting about was about the very first light to enter our Universe and what is said to be the very building blocks of life. My twist on this was saying that if as Prof Brian Cox said in his program, this light still falls across every part of the Universe except that now it is stretched across space due to the expanding Universe and as a result of this the wave form of this light has stretched to beyond the Infra Red spectrum; then my theory takes this thought of the first light being everywhere and on everything, could this not be our higher state of conciousness, our universal collectiveness?!?

Apologies, this is a long entry but I have lots to say and still more to tell, but for now, I will try and work on my light theory so you can gain a greater understanding as both my Brother and I have been trying to do.

So the light stretches across the whole Universe it is just that our eyes cannot see it, much like Infra Red and Ultra Violet. Our eyes do not see everything in the Universe, only that which our brains and eyes can decipher. So this light is there but unseen!

More often then any other story of near-death experiences, the trend seems to be that we head towards a bright light, a feeling of light, brightness, wholeness. Even the books I have read, base the concept of collective conciousness and furtherment of human psyche on a 'brighter' world.
Now I have never had an experience like this so I cannot agree nor disagree. But these ideas coupled with the science told by physicts about the 'light' made me think.

What if we are this light and this light is us? Prof Cox explained that the very first light in the Universe did not shine in all directions exactly the same due to density variations in the otherwise empty pre-universal space, these density anomalies forced the light to become thicker and thinner in places, pushing these light particles into each other and thus sparking the construction of the Universe and all life as we know it! So breaking this down to its most basic meaning, we come from light! What is to say then that when we die and our bodies are laid to rest, our conciousness is not returned to the 'light', we become one with the Universe again, our bodies being recycled by our planet and inner-being taking its path back to the unified Universe?!?

I will try to expand on this some more, but please do get in touch if you have any questions, queries or theories, or you just plain old want to chat about any of the subjects I have written about in this or any of my previous blog entries.

Would be good to hear from you.

Speak soon.

Overhaul of thought...

Okay, so recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Inspired by a book called 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me' by Edward Canfor-Dumas, I have been delving inside myself to understand why recently I have been finding life hard work.

Aside of the fact that I am low on money and my dependency on finances always upsets me, aside of the fact that I currently work in a job that I am not too keen on, the upside being that I change jobs in under a week, but still face the bleakness of an office based role. All these elements put to one side for they are but situational causes, I still feel unhappy, internally.

I have recently been at logger heads with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years but then we've always had a heated relationship. One of those that when the going is good, it's really good and when it's bad, it's really bad! Everyone knows of them or has experienced them. We've been fighting over all sorts of things and recently we both seem to have become desolate and troubled. I think we've reached that point where the next step is needed. On the one hand we have the option of moving out together, starting a family and the kind of things that go alongside such dramatic steps. On the other hand, we have to face our demons and see whether or not our relationship is working and what we're do if it isn't. And sweets if you are reading this, I am sorry for how I have behaved of late, self defeating and not easy to live with I can well imagine. Read on, might make some sense!

There are other factors to my unhappiness. Some recent family events have really taken their toll on not only myself but other members of the family too. My Gran Blackwell has taken a bad turn with Alzheimer's in full swing and her state of health deteriorating rapidly. It is very sad to see. Gran Blackwell has always been the Matriarch of the family, least since I have been alive. My Grandfathers on both sides died when I was young so the Grandmothers have been the leaders of the pack so to speak. So to see my Gran Blackwell going down hill as she is, it gives a true lesson on just how short life is. I remember my Gran's 62 Birthday, the scary thought is, my Dad turns that next year! My Gran Wood is still full of beans but even she must face the tides of time and it worries me that I have not seen her enough over the years, mainly due to the fact the Gran Wood lives in Liverpool which is fair jaunt away from me, but this is a pitiful excuse. I plan to go visit her and soon.

Not only does this all lay upon my shoulders like a dark storm cloud waiting to break, there are other aspects that plague my mind too.

In recent months, my world has been flipped around and spun about. My Father has always been a very influential man to me, teaching and talking with me through various topics and subjects. Always a stern man with little room for the powdery niceties that my Mum has, but my Father has always been quite the rock to me. I love him as a son should love a Father and that will never change. I guess maybe I have just been shown he is human after all! Something I never really considered before. Of course I didn't. This is my Dad, the man that built me toys, showed me how to use power tools, fixed my bike, taught me to be smart, tidy and honest, how to be a Gentleman and how to be strong, not only physically, but emotionally. So to learn that he is just as human as me, well that blew my mind. To learn that he too can make mistakes, tell a lie or cause problems was not something I had expected. Not from my Dad. But as I said, this does not change a thing in my relationship to him, he is still my Father, still the leader of my family clan, still the man I depend upon to be strong when I need him. Just maybe now I understand him a little more human, he's less an oracle of knowledge, more an experienced human, doing the same as everyone else, wading through life just like me.

So with these close personal matters bouncing around inside my head, plus my unrelenting search for truth and enlightenment, I have had a busy mind state of late.
The book inspired me to take a look at myself. Part of the ideology behind it is that we set up our own problems and downfalls, allowing ourselves to spiral inwards when things go bad, self indulging the 'Bad Me' state of mind. I have realised that through this process, I am often my own worst enemy. I think people conspire against me, I doubt peoples allegiances and intentions, I think that people are talking about me behind my back, I basically put up blocks or show anger at things that people haven't even done and then wonder why they react the way they do, well duh! If someone approaches me in a bad mood for something I haven't done, I often react a certain way, usually dismissive and non-tolerant. So why do I expect anything different from those around me?
I apply this question to myself about a lot of matters, my girlfriend and I, my family, my closest and dearest friends, all of which I have demonstrated this stupid behaviour with.

My very good friend Shaunbag is a perfect example. I got very tetchy around him just before we embarked on the Mongol Rally, for no other reason than I thought he had a problem with me. Because of this behaviour on my behalf, he ended up having a problem with me and feeling I reacted badly under pressure. Which, in essence, he was right! I created the situation through my own thoughts and feelings, emanating a bad vibe and then I wondered why he reacted the way he did! Now, well it all seems kind of obvious. Shaun, if you are reading this buddy, I am sorry about that, put it down to experience and learning. Thanks for sticking in there though man.

But I realise that I have done this continually through life. Looking for the bad, seeing problems and fearing rejection when there really is no need for it. But how do I stop it? How do I stop an element of myself that has been key to my personality for years? What steps to do I take to become more self assured, see the good rather than the bad.

My aspirations, reading and travels help greatly. I aspire to become a better individual, more understanding, less offensive and less abstinent. The Celestine Prophecy talks about a kind of life force that emanates from you, paving the way ahead for others to interact with, so if I wish to make my life into something good, then I have to stop pushing the 'Bad Me' forward and open myself up to a better, more positive, self believing side. I believe this is also intrinsic of Buddhism too.

So, as I continue to dream and aim to travel the world, I will work hard, saving as much money as I can, not spending it on frivolities and possessions. I am going to work hard on myself too. I will try to stop being so closed, so easy to think people are being off with me, to control my anger and frustration, to dust off the bad and polish the good. I will allow life to happen and stop being so angered by it. Those that want to know me can, those that don't, won't!
The old saying 'You can please some people, some of the time, but not all people, all of the time' rings true to me now. For I can be only me, allow life to fill me with its paths and wonderment, and I will take one day at a time. Each moment as a new moment!

I will take inspiration from 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me', I will think about my goals, targets, causes and other attributes and just try to be a better all well rounded human being. I hope this makes sense to those I have mentioned and those I have not and that none of you find offence from it. If you do, well please say and I can amended what I have written should you want me to, but this is simply my interpretation of things, my mind state at this point in my day, changing, evolving, learning!

2011 - The year of change.

And so a new year has begun. This is the time that everyone sets goals and targets to achieve over the coming year. Some are for a change of habits, to quit smoking, to drink less or to change ones diet. Other people invoke more thought into their ideas seeking travel or experience, capital gain or financial solidification. Whatever the agenda ahead, most people are ready to face hardships and frustration as the year starts. But how many succeed and how many fail?!

I know that for the large part, most friends and family in my close circles unfortunately fail in their goals. Dietry concerns are the most popular among them and unfortunately most never see it through for more than the first few weeks. Of course, this bold statement does not apply to all or everyone. Some rise above temptation, they avoid the fatal traps that lure you back to the situations we know will give us that mind set to break our oaths to ourselves. My girlfriend and my Mother are two such people that are holding fast their promises to eat better and of that I am proud.

As for myself, well this year seemed bleak when first it rolled upon us. In comparisson to the year just past, it had a lot to live up to and I know that as these coming months dwindle past, nothing will compare in granduer to the scale of the Mongol Rally last year! But this has only given me more insentive to seek out new thrills and new experiences yet to be had. It has also encouraged me to look closer to home for enlightenment and travel. I have recently been discussing Scotland and Ireland as two places so close to home yet never, by my eyes, seen!

I have started work for a company in the Dockyards in Portsmouth. I have never been one to think of myself as superior or greater than any one or thing, yet this working position is beneath me. It entails making tea, ordering sandwiches and locking filing cabinets. A job I feel is not for me. Considering my education, my working history and my achievements, this role does not challenge me in the slightest. But yet there is a faint glimmer of hope! I have been offered another role in a different company, one that I feel will challenge me and allow me to grow into it. This is something I need and want, for to be content without challenge is to allow time to idley pass you, missing life and opportunity.

And thus my search for everything spiritual and life changing takes a back seat, for now, until the daily motions are set at least. This will not stop me musing however, just that my concentration must be on betterment rather than wonderment. I will return and sooner than you think!