This is a bit of a long read but hopefully it might help those out there that need it.
For me, the past 18 months have been very tough. My mental and physical health have been on a rollercoaster and at one point recently I did not think I could or would make it through.
It is well known that physical exercise is good for the body and brain. I am a keen runner and adventure seeker and enjoy the great outdoors, being in nature and pushing myself to new limits. Unfortunately, due to my mental health, all of this dropped away as I had no motivation or want to train or push myself. I lost 12kg in weight in 3 months, went through a health scare, pretty much stopped eating and was smoking a lot. Anxiety, depression and stress were the main contributing factors and for a little while, I considered ending it all.
One evening, I called a helpline on three occasions but unfortunately they did not answer which left me feeling very isolated and alone. I then called the EAP (Employee Assistance Programme) at work and was lucky enough to get through to a very kind Gent that listened to me for over an hour. He may never know what he did for me that night, but he helped me by simply by being there and listening. That calmed things down at the time but the pain remained and the want to end it continued. But what caused this plummet in my mental health and why did I consider ending it all?
Over the past year, I have been through two relationship breakdowns and unfortunately these breakdowns left me feeling like I am broken and not worthy of love. I have not always been successful in relationships, and one of the main reasons given by my ex-partners is that I am an angry man. I have been told that I fall in love too quickly, that I put people on pedestals and doubt my own self worth thus creating disharmony and disruption between myself and my partner. Having suffered this sort of loss in quick succession, I felt unlovable and damaged.
Not only did I go through this, but I also had to deal with my Father being released from prison. He was incarcerated due to his sexual abuse of my Sister when she was young, although he never openly admitted it to the Police or courts. Instead he was put away for possessing images and content of underage girls including my Sister and her friend.
Unfortunately, due to the system being stretched, on the day of his release I was asked to collect him and deliver him to a probation lodging. This was a huge event in my life although at the time I don't think I truly understood how massive it was. Having to collect and then talk to a man that had hurt my Sister in ways I had never known, still now, makes me feel sick.
My Father had been my hero when I was young. I looked up to him. I wanted to gain his approval and aspired to have his strength. What a fool I was.
He was a violent and angry man, often beating my Sister, my Brother, my Mum and I. He has deeply scarred all of us mentally and my poor Sister the most. He would be loving and kind one minute and then the next he would be lashing out and wreaking havoc on our lives. The conflict coupled with the love was so confusing. He manipulated and coerced behaviours akin to his wants. He would give with one hand and then destroy with the other.
I attribute a large part of my issues now to the abuse we suffered at his hands as children. Learned behaviours and examples loaded into my memory and brain mean that now I often struggle to deal with my anger in the right way.
I have never raised a hand to any partner but I have made them feel targeted and hurt. This breaks my heart so much and I am so deeply sorry to them all. If any of you ever read this, please know I am truly so sorry.
It scares me that I may never be able to overcome the abuse I suffered as a child, that I am carrying the examples of his abuse with me and despite years of work with counsellors, groups, reading books, watching documentaries, attending seminars and various other mediums all looking at abuse survival, anger management, gaslighting and much much more, maybe I am broken and will carry these behaviours with me always? This breaks my heart too.
So with all of this, I wondered if my being here was of any use to anyone. If I can't fix myself and keep repeating the same mistakes, then what is the point? Even if I am fortunate enough to find love again, what's to say that I wouldn't end up doing the same things over and over. And so one night I decided to take the next steps toward ending it all. I prepared my method and set about readying myself to end my life.
Thankfully, my decision to end it all was stopped, primarily by my dog. One of my ex-partners and I adopted a rescue Greyhound a couple of years back, which we named Aska. He is a beautiful and elegant hound and has changed my life immeasurably. We share him with alternate fortnights and thankfully for me, it was my turn to have him.
That night, with his wonderful little face staring at me from the sofa as I sobbed and screamed, I realised that there are people and things in life that both want and need me, this was a huge wake up call and I stepped away from the darkness a little, enough to give me time to think at least. I thought of all my family and friends that would be hurt by my desire to stop the pain. All I would do is shift the pain from myself on to them and that would not be fair. I thought of my poor Mum having suffered at the hands of my Father for over 30 years, having to deal with her eldest giving up. I thought of my Sister and my Brother that had been through the same if not worse than me. I thought of my Nephews and Niece having to learn what death was and why Uncle Wulf wouldn't be about anymore. I thought of my nearest and dearest friends, some of which I have been lucky enough to be best man for, and what my actions would do to them.
And then I looked back at Aska. Tears streaming down my face, he climbed up from the sofa, came over and stood next to me just staring into my eyes, and I wept. I wept for hours. I hugged him so tightly. And he, in his own way, hugged me back.
And slowly I started to calm down. After all of that, I went to bed and I slept.
My family, friends and colleagues have been incredibly supportive during this time, with regular calls from my Mum and little check in texts and calls from my close friends. These people may not know just how much this has helped.
Without them, I would have felt alone and unwanted, broken and unfixable. But they have prompted me, pushed me, cared for me and loved me.
Since that time, I have embarked on a journey exploring my self. I have signed up to counselling again and in my first session that was supposed to last 50 minutes, I poured my heart and soul out, and the tears came thick and fast. The session ended up going on for 1 hour and 45 minutes and again, the counsellor just sat and listened, gave me guidance and suggestions and made me feel wanted and understood. She explained to me that I have been living in auto mode for a long while and that I need to find a way to stop this, to believe in myself and to appreciate my value to the world and those around me.
I have managed to start training again and have been running, climbing mountains (my happy place) and pushing myself physically and mentally to be better. I am reading more books, listening to podcasts and audiobooks that talk about gaslighting, anger management and the value of self worth. I have signed up to some more seminars and talks about understanding life and all the pitfalls and issues we must face but that by believing in yourself, you can learn to overcome these difficulties.
I am by no means fixed, but I am on the road to recovery. I have a lot of work to do. I want to beat my anger issues, to ensure that I never carry these into any future relationships. I want to learn more coping techniques and strategies that will help me understand my emotions, my desire to feel love constantly and to combat the jealously that often rises when in a relationship. I want to be a better man and all round human.
The road is long. I am in no rush to find myself in another relationship. I need time to heal, to rest, recover, rebuild and restart.
But every day is one step closer to this.
I wish I had spoken to my family and friends (including colleagues) more when the darkest days came, but I was worried they would fret, they would blame themselves or that they would not have time for me. I was wrong. They have been nothing but supportive and kind. I don't know how many of them know what I went through so I hope this does not worry you or concern you. I am okay.
So to those of you reading this, I know that at times it can feel bleak. So many people have said that with 'time' it will get better. But time can be relative. When you are with someone you love, time goes so fast. But when you want to heal or for the pain to stop, time can go so slowly. Just take each day as it comes, it will get better. I know, because slowly, it is getting better for me.
If you ever feel that life is too much, that the pain just won't go away, stop! Take a breather, go outside and simply be. Let the sunlight, moonlight, wind or the rain, wash over you. Experience being in the moment. Think of all those that love you, want and need you. Think of your family, your friends, your pets or whatever makes you happy. Reach out to someone, whether that be a helpline, a counsellor or someone you know, and just talk. Talking things through can be incredibly therapeutic, cathartic and helpful. It helps you process, digest and understand what is going on for you.
And as hard as it might be, get some exercise. Exercise releases endorphins and dopamine which benefit the body and mind massively. Even a walk can be beneficial. You get the physical benefits as well as being outdoors and seeing that the world is a vast and massive place. Knowing this, you can start to put things into perspective.
And please remember that you have value, you have worth and you are amazing. We only get one chance to live life and no matter the pain, it will get better. You are wanted, loved and cared for. Don't let the darkness consume you. Hold on to the light. Dig deep and find that strength inside. It will get better.
I hope this helps someone out there. I have not written this for plaudits or personal gain. To be honest, I have questioned whether to publish this to the wider world or not. But I thought what the hell, I have written it for some reason, maybe this is it.
Be strong, dig deep and remember your value. For you are loved, you are worthy of love and you are unique. Be that. Be you and shine.
✌️&💚X
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