Told...

'What am I doing here?' I found myself asking.

'You are questioning the unquestionable, fathoming the unthinkable and figuring out what you are all about! Yet you remain, hooked by your own self constraint, you lack belief and the fact is that you are scared to go it alone.'

'And who are you to observe my life in such a way, to make judgement calls like that?' I retorted in a harsh tone.

'I am everything you want to be and everything you dream of, I am the gateway to the unknown and the river between the banks of memories.'

I quivered slightly as the voice deepened and the tone grew grim, the figure turned to me.

'You are the reason your life is what it is, you create, you destroy. Be witness to yourself. You wish to run, you wish to hide away from it all, you want pity from others, their words and actions to comfort you. Yet we both know that their words cannot heal you.
What is done, is. What will be, is not.
Be your own strength, carve your own course. Stand tall, be strong and realise, this is your life.'

Again...

I stand guilty of sin without so much as having lifted a finger,
Accused and cursed upon for being nothing more than myself,

"Not good enough, not attentive enough, mean and nasty."

Always putting others first but yet constantly rejected,
Trying so hard even when my actions are unseen,

"Selfish, self absorbed and anti-altruistic."

I've fought too long, stood too hard, my every move is doubted,
Confusion lays across our paths and clarity is abandoned,
I offer retribution upon my own self being,
A trimming of the soul and the lust for life is fleeing,
I've offered up my very life in mortal flagellation,
But the decrying spirit I heralded loud seemed lacking with intention,

Always wishing the unity would prosper,
And finally the end of worry and doubt would stop from her,
Alas I think that time has come to settle hands
Down weapons and tools, raise the white flag and be done,
From within and without, the end of days faced alone!

A story to explain...

The great door slowly closes, the last of the good moments rush away, trailing with the last of it disappears the hope of rebirth.
I turn to see the pillars of this time crumble and buckle, the roofs shatter like a hammer striking a mirror, no more shall this place be. It folds as if imploding, the stresses and cracks widen like the mouth of some huge beast, all that was will be gone.

Cracking through the settling dust comes a light, the dawn of now possible new beginnings shines brighter than before, unmarred by the towers and steeples that filled the skyline. The smell of the unknown drifts on the wind across the arid plains of this former glorious place.
My eyes search listlessly over the hollow of what had been, the broken vestibules and towers lie heaped and ruined. No signs of life remain. I linger just a moment longer, the last bit of hope being chewed over, a certain emptiness descends and grips upon my shoulders, the chill of it creeping down my spine.

As I turn to leave, a shadow tricks across my vision, the faintest of movements, a ghost of the recently past. I wave a hand across my eyes as a single tear rolls down my face, a trick of the light or the sad end of that which was and will no longer be. With a heavy heart and a vigour-less step, I leave. It is the end and no matter what is said or done, life has played its bitterest hand.

Well Done Great Britain

The Olympics has warmed my soul. Seeing humanity standing shoulder to shoulder, celebrating and reflecting upon all that was, all that is and all that will be. 
For one brief moment, we were the human race, standing tall as giants and caring not for colour, creed or religion, but enjoying life, love and the moment. Well done GB, you made me proud!

The straw...

Am I the only one that is anxious about all the middle east problems going on at the moment? Couple that with the rise of tension between Argentina and the UK over the Falkland Islands again and the recent withdrawal of diplomats from Damascus in Syria except for Russia, it all seems to be a bit of a smelting pot into which any problems and grievances are being poured, creating a big fat broth full of hate, loathing and the dawn of war!
I hope I am wrong and that it all just simmers down, alas, as is always the way with human nature, war is unavoidable, Wyrd bið ful aræd!

2012 - Long Count Terminated...

And so 2012 has arrived, the long prophesied year!

A recent Hollwood film starring John Cusack sees this year as the end of the world, a solar flare igniting a chain reaction from our planets core and causing devastation and apocalypse across the globe! Interesting then that in recent days we have experienced one of the largest solar flares for several years, coincidence? I think so!

The interesting thing about the media and global predictions is their ability to read far too deep into these stories and blow everything dramatically out of proportion! Finding tenuous links and scraps of information and somehow formulating a story that bases itself on neither fact nor truth.

Those of us that have taken the time to read carefully into such things learn to quickly dismiss the larger populous of rhetoric issued by the media masses, the hype and pop-culture is all too consuming and filled with scaremongering! Instead, I would rather take myself to the library, take a variety of reference books and allow my own wanderings within those pages, following tangents and avenues, flicking and thumbing through a variety of educational documents, escaping the over pumped and over glorified tabloid sensationalism of modern day reporting.

Another example of this media meddling and manipulation is painfully obvious with the situation in the Middle East. Wars being waged and lives being lost, apparently all in the name of peace! But what peace can be found when the piles of bodies continue to grow, when towns and villages and destroyed and the only people that seem to think this is right are the ones that do not even live there! That is not to say that I disagree with some of the missions the UK and the UN have been involved in. When stopping tyranny or acting for the good of humanity by saving lives then this is all commendable work, necessary and hopefully prosperous.

But recently it all seems to have become a bit tense and very dangerous.

A friend of mine and I have spoken on a number of occasions about our opinions on the war in the Middle East. He watches Russian and Chinese television amongst other things and sees our western powers acting as the aggressors! I watch the western news where we portray the actions of those against us as wrong and as acts of aggression.

So who is right? Neither, either or none! The simple fact is, behind all the conspiracies, behind all the wars and the life lost, it bears down to power and for now that power is found beneath the ground in pockets of liquid we have all come to know as oil.

Human existence and social evolution, especially in the last couple of hundred years has been built upwards from the discovery of oil and its combustible uses. With exception of those tribes buried deep in the rainforests or deserts of the world, most of the modern world, from Alaska to New Zealand, from Siberia to South Africa, every country, every company, everyone depends on this oily liquid. New technologies have been created to combat our dependency on oil but alas at the moment none of them are stable or powerful enough to completely over-right our need for oil. We've built countries and civilisations since this discovery and without oil, the world would not be what it is today.

So whether the governments wish to tell us or not, whether I am wrong or right, there is too much at stake for any one person to ever be able to know, but maybe groups of them do. You hear of groups like the Illuminati or the goings on of Bohemian Grove and more prominent in the UK, the Masons. Societies of secrets but not secret societies. But they all hold weight, bending and fashioning the world around us to keep 'us' safe! And these are just the groups we have heard of, who knows what dark underworld groups these governments run, or even the people of the world, for all I know, there maybe a society deeper and darker than any government run agency or group.

But with all this deception, the lies and misguiding information that comes from our media, and they who are in turn dictated too by these groups of individuals, is it any surprise that we, the common man or woman, have little to no idea of what actually is going on? Some of us have luck on our side that we live in these bigger super powers, miles away from the front lines, but those poor civilians on the front line have no where to run, and all the while these wars rage on.

The decimation of the world is a foot!

So to return to my original point about the end of the world and the whole 2012 thing, I do not believe that the Mayans predication that Quetzalcoatl is going to return, least not in the Hollywood sense, is going to happen. But my understanding is that Quetzalcoatl is the darkness and the end of one era and the start of another, time to clear out all the rubbish and prepare to begin again fresh and ready.

So maybe it is not some ethereal manifestation, but our own creation, it is an apocalypse we bring upon ourselves, the end of this war torn and human infested era, the destruction of the modern world and a return to the fresh and ready!

But then again, who am I to know or even speculate over such matters, only time will tell!

Choices and Changes...

What started as a way of musing my thoughts and feelings has grown into something more and it is not altogether wholesome! I have gone from voicing my philosophical ideas and anthropological speculations to creating, more or less, a place that I write down my ailments and mental problems. This was not the intended purpose of this blog. It was meant to be a place to express ones theories or pose questions that have haunted the great minds of the world for millennia. Instead, I have allowed my weak minded blabbering to filter through, sharing information of a more intimate nature, to those that choose to read it.

I know only of a few people that have read this blog and the feedback has been limited but yet it has also been insightful. I have been told I write well, my articulation is good and that I have a captivating stance on certain elements and characters that I portray through my stories and written words.

Bearing all of this in mind, coupled with a vast amount of what can only be described as bullsh*t going on in my life, I have decided that I need to massively overhaul this blog and my ambitions in general.

I am going to close this blog down in time and remove it altogether once I have started up a new and more intelligent discussion forum. But for now I will continue to post sporadic entries describing particular selections from the deluge of profanity and terminal existence that is my life!

But for now, until 2012, I bid thee farewell, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Imagination and its allure...

Life, the second biggest mystery after death itself. What is life? How have we come into being?

What is our true purpose? Are we alone in this Universe? All these and many more questions. I know that I am not the only one to ask them. Hundreds of thousands of people have asked these same questions for millennia, speculating, deliberating, dreaming and imagining the endless possibilities that our Universe has to offer. Yet despite all this research and investigation into these basic questions, we have no resolution or answer!

Death worries me, because I have no idea what follows it. Will all of what I am now simply cease to be?! Will my thoughts and feelings, my dreams and knowledge just disappear?!

Recently I have been seeing my Gran (Blackwell) on my Fathers side suffering from Alzheimer's. Her body withering as age sets upon her. It saddens me so. The matriarch of the family is slowly diminishing leaving my Auntie and my Father as heirs to the Blackwell name. My Gran (Wood) on my Mother's side is also getting older and the years are taking their toll although not yet to the same degree. But this saddens me too. Alas, with my Mother's Mum, I get to see her very rarely and unfortunately have missed the 2 last visits she has made to our home. This must be rectified.

But despite knowing that death faces us all, it makes it no easier for me to accept that one day in the not too distant future, my Gran's will pass away. And in the bleakness that stretches before me, I can see death will come to everything that I love and care for. My family, my friends, pets and famous faces. Even material objects have their time limit. My new favourite saying of late has been this, "Nothing lasts forever". And neither will I!

And so to combat this bleak outlook I dream of a world where I know the answers, where I can be everything I have ever wanted to be. Still as a 29 year old man, I dream of disappearing into the films and movies I watch and the books I read. I dream of riding the light cycles in Tron, fighting aliens and dodging high energy blasts from the Predators shoulder cannon. I dream of meeting the perfect woman, beautiful and flawless, our romance laid out as though drawn from the most perfect moment. I see myself as a Viking crusading across the Danelands.
But yet I know this cannot happen! I let my mind wander these paths so often that when reality comes a knocking at my door, I get angered by it, feeling resentment that I cannot become that which I yearn to be, stepping outside my reality and disappearing into the adventures and worlds of others.

Is this chaos? Is this lunacy? Or I am using these visual and audible adventures as an escape from a reality that at the moment I have limited desire to be part of!?!

But do not get me wrong. I love what I have in life and in comparison to others, I must be so thankful for all that is. Family, Friends, Love, Laughter and Life! I am a lucky man to have all of this.

Yet still my mind seeks an alternative. I am constantly infatuated with movies. The simple idea that the characters in these films can escape what we all must face and detach themselves from reality!

Well this just opens a big envious hole in me and through this hole I let my imagination drift into the fathoms that the movies psychology eludes before my mind, allowing my own mind to wander aimlessly into nothingness and thus in turn detaching me ever more from the realism that I inevitably must return to once my brief trip away from normality breaks down and everyday life returns kicking and screaming.

I long for an escape from life, yet death is not the option I seek. I wish to fly in the clouds above the sky, I wish to swim the seven seas. I want for everyone to be with me yet I search for emptiness and seclusion. I like my imagination, for with him, I can touch the stars, no one ever dies and I don't have to face the harshness that us humans have turned our existances in to!

Life should be more than this!

Pretty much rubbish!!!

I am not a happy chap today and upon reading my blogs entries back to myself, I have come to the decision that I spout an awful lot of bullshit! Excuse the strong language, Tis my mind set for the day!

I honestly have no idea how many people read this or who even gives a shit but I am under the decision that it is full of rubbish. I am not debunking the links or sources I have used from other people, they remain true, but my pontifications and ideas are flawed, incomplete and utter nonsensical blabberings of a man who thinks he is facing the trials of life in a way no one else has! Well I am soarly mistaken!

I think I need to climb down off my cloud and see life for what it is. Rather than dreaming about life, I should be living it. Rather than looking for the mysteries, I should be seeing what is right in front of me!

Right now, I need a major overhaul of my life! Time to kick my own ass!

Spring cleaning...

Spring is in the air, the Sun is shining, the plants are blooming and everything feels good in the world. Well at least for now it does. Recent global events have caused speculation and worry about our planet, the environmental problems we're having and it has got a lot people asking questions, which personally, I like. It's nice to see humans thinking beyond just the daily chores or the next problem they face at work, but seeing the world as a whole and seeing our place on its surface!

The earthquakes in New Zealand, Japan and the various other countries across the world have drawn a strange kind of unity from humans, one I have never really encountered but I can only imagine is somewhat like the countries involved in WWII, although our plights of now somewhat are overshadowed by the destruction and human life lost during WWII. The jist of my point being, it is nice to see humans interacting with each other for the greater good of other people rather than for selfish capital gain. But it is not just a time for natural disasters.

Libya, The Ivory Coast and many more places are now fighting an internal war amongst themselves, turfing out dictators, fighting oppression and seeing the people rise against the wrongs done to them for many years. It is a year of change, a time of new beginnings and the rise of powers driven by the people for the people. Yet, is it not the same countries dishing out the punishments, helping everywhere they can and as much as I praise the UN for all the work they do, maybe they need to be careful with whom they continually use for ratification of problems in these troubled countries.
Don't get me wrong, I like the USA but I worry that as such a young country (in terms of world history) they are going to get their comeuppance! Much like the school yard bully one day picking on the wrong kid, I worry that America and all it's influence and agenda, will one day pick on (sorry, try to help) the wrong people and from that we will all suffer, especially if as a nation, the UK continues to ally itself with the USA in every matter of global conflict. Can we not stand on our own two feet as a nation? We once, many years ago, conquered the seas and land across a stretch that was said to never have the sun set on our empire. Of course this is not what Britain is today, but must we always have Americas side? Can we not stand alone, proud and true, stand by what we believe should be done, being fair, just and British?!?

But enough of politics, for as much as these sort of things intrigue me, it is more from an anthropoligical view then a political one. I am not a lover of politics although I have learnt and understood recently that they are necessary for our societies in this modern world to work! Otherwise, I feel we would be thrown into Chaos with greed and power becoming the building blocks of humanity rather than the softened somewhat media splattered world that we percieve now! One straining for scientific and knowledgable gains! And boy have we had some exciting ones recently!

The recent possible discovery of an unknown particle at the Tevatron accelarator in the US could mean a complete re-think of what is known as the Standard Model, a base concept of physics. If this particle is discovered to exist in a state unbeknown to us until now, then this means the way we have see the Universe could suddenly be thrown into question and dispute, a new era of exploration and understanding. Personally, despite not having the accumen and finite knowledge of physicts and cosmosolgists the world over, I think this brings us one step closer to an understanding of the Universe.

I have been watching Prof Brian Cox's 'Wonders of the Universe' on television recently and it has been amazing to see such a passionate man portraying his views on the greatest story known to man. He has helped me to better understand certain answers to some very bizarre questions that I have had of late. If you have not watched this series and you are of the explorative disposition then I really recommend it, mind bendingly wonderful. Another series to help expand the mind and see humanity for what it is was the wonderful BBC documentary called 'Human Planet'. This was again another jaw-droppingly wonderous program that explored humanity as a whole. Seeing that as a race and inhabitant of Earth we have made some major discoveries, we have adapted and grown in to all enviroments across the globe to reach our stomping grounds of today, this program tests even the most staunch human to re-evaluate themselves in the greater scheme of things and to ask the big question, what is it all about!?!

My Brother (Eldred) and I had a very in depth chat the other evening, was very deep for a Tuesday afternoon, but our discussion was about a theory I had kind of heard and kind of embelished on. The theory we were chatting about was about the very first light to enter our Universe and what is said to be the very building blocks of life. My twist on this was saying that if as Prof Brian Cox said in his program, this light still falls across every part of the Universe except that now it is stretched across space due to the expanding Universe and as a result of this the wave form of this light has stretched to beyond the Infra Red spectrum; then my theory takes this thought of the first light being everywhere and on everything, could this not be our higher state of conciousness, our universal collectiveness?!?

Apologies, this is a long entry but I have lots to say and still more to tell, but for now, I will try and work on my light theory so you can gain a greater understanding as both my Brother and I have been trying to do.

So the light stretches across the whole Universe it is just that our eyes cannot see it, much like Infra Red and Ultra Violet. Our eyes do not see everything in the Universe, only that which our brains and eyes can decipher. So this light is there but unseen!

More often then any other story of near-death experiences, the trend seems to be that we head towards a bright light, a feeling of light, brightness, wholeness. Even the books I have read, base the concept of collective conciousness and furtherment of human psyche on a 'brighter' world.
Now I have never had an experience like this so I cannot agree nor disagree. But these ideas coupled with the science told by physicts about the 'light' made me think.

What if we are this light and this light is us? Prof Cox explained that the very first light in the Universe did not shine in all directions exactly the same due to density variations in the otherwise empty pre-universal space, these density anomalies forced the light to become thicker and thinner in places, pushing these light particles into each other and thus sparking the construction of the Universe and all life as we know it! So breaking this down to its most basic meaning, we come from light! What is to say then that when we die and our bodies are laid to rest, our conciousness is not returned to the 'light', we become one with the Universe again, our bodies being recycled by our planet and inner-being taking its path back to the unified Universe?!?

I will try to expand on this some more, but please do get in touch if you have any questions, queries or theories, or you just plain old want to chat about any of the subjects I have written about in this or any of my previous blog entries.

Would be good to hear from you.

Speak soon.