Choices and Changes...

What started as a way of musing my thoughts and feelings has grown into something more and it is not altogether wholesome! I have gone from voicing my philosophical ideas and anthropological speculations to creating, more or less, a place that I write down my ailments and mental problems. This was not the intended purpose of this blog. It was meant to be a place to express ones theories or pose questions that have haunted the great minds of the world for millennia. Instead, I have allowed my weak minded blabbering to filter through, sharing information of a more intimate nature, to those that choose to read it.

I know only of a few people that have read this blog and the feedback has been limited but yet it has also been insightful. I have been told I write well, my articulation is good and that I have a captivating stance on certain elements and characters that I portray through my stories and written words.

Bearing all of this in mind, coupled with a vast amount of what can only be described as bullsh*t going on in my life, I have decided that I need to massively overhaul this blog and my ambitions in general.

I am going to close this blog down in time and remove it altogether once I have started up a new and more intelligent discussion forum. But for now I will continue to post sporadic entries describing particular selections from the deluge of profanity and terminal existence that is my life!

But for now, until 2012, I bid thee farewell, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Imagination and its allure...

Life, the second biggest mystery after death itself. What is life? How have we come into being?

What is our true purpose? Are we alone in this Universe? All these and many more questions. I know that I am not the only one to ask them. Hundreds of thousands of people have asked these same questions for millennia, speculating, deliberating, dreaming and imagining the endless possibilities that our Universe has to offer. Yet despite all this research and investigation into these basic questions, we have no resolution or answer!

Death worries me, because I have no idea what follows it. Will all of what I am now simply cease to be?! Will my thoughts and feelings, my dreams and knowledge just disappear?!

Recently I have been seeing my Gran (Blackwell) on my Fathers side suffering from Alzheimer's. Her body withering as age sets upon her. It saddens me so. The matriarch of the family is slowly diminishing leaving my Auntie and my Father as heirs to the Blackwell name. My Gran (Wood) on my Mother's side is also getting older and the years are taking their toll although not yet to the same degree. But this saddens me too. Alas, with my Mother's Mum, I get to see her very rarely and unfortunately have missed the 2 last visits she has made to our home. This must be rectified.

But despite knowing that death faces us all, it makes it no easier for me to accept that one day in the not too distant future, my Gran's will pass away. And in the bleakness that stretches before me, I can see death will come to everything that I love and care for. My family, my friends, pets and famous faces. Even material objects have their time limit. My new favourite saying of late has been this, "Nothing lasts forever". And neither will I!

And so to combat this bleak outlook I dream of a world where I know the answers, where I can be everything I have ever wanted to be. Still as a 29 year old man, I dream of disappearing into the films and movies I watch and the books I read. I dream of riding the light cycles in Tron, fighting aliens and dodging high energy blasts from the Predators shoulder cannon. I dream of meeting the perfect woman, beautiful and flawless, our romance laid out as though drawn from the most perfect moment. I see myself as a Viking crusading across the Danelands.
But yet I know this cannot happen! I let my mind wander these paths so often that when reality comes a knocking at my door, I get angered by it, feeling resentment that I cannot become that which I yearn to be, stepping outside my reality and disappearing into the adventures and worlds of others.

Is this chaos? Is this lunacy? Or I am using these visual and audible adventures as an escape from a reality that at the moment I have limited desire to be part of!?!

But do not get me wrong. I love what I have in life and in comparison to others, I must be so thankful for all that is. Family, Friends, Love, Laughter and Life! I am a lucky man to have all of this.

Yet still my mind seeks an alternative. I am constantly infatuated with movies. The simple idea that the characters in these films can escape what we all must face and detach themselves from reality!

Well this just opens a big envious hole in me and through this hole I let my imagination drift into the fathoms that the movies psychology eludes before my mind, allowing my own mind to wander aimlessly into nothingness and thus in turn detaching me ever more from the realism that I inevitably must return to once my brief trip away from normality breaks down and everyday life returns kicking and screaming.

I long for an escape from life, yet death is not the option I seek. I wish to fly in the clouds above the sky, I wish to swim the seven seas. I want for everyone to be with me yet I search for emptiness and seclusion. I like my imagination, for with him, I can touch the stars, no one ever dies and I don't have to face the harshness that us humans have turned our existances in to!

Life should be more than this!

Pretty much rubbish!!!

I am not a happy chap today and upon reading my blogs entries back to myself, I have come to the decision that I spout an awful lot of bullshit! Excuse the strong language, Tis my mind set for the day!

I honestly have no idea how many people read this or who even gives a shit but I am under the decision that it is full of rubbish. I am not debunking the links or sources I have used from other people, they remain true, but my pontifications and ideas are flawed, incomplete and utter nonsensical blabberings of a man who thinks he is facing the trials of life in a way no one else has! Well I am soarly mistaken!

I think I need to climb down off my cloud and see life for what it is. Rather than dreaming about life, I should be living it. Rather than looking for the mysteries, I should be seeing what is right in front of me!

Right now, I need a major overhaul of my life! Time to kick my own ass!

Spring cleaning...

Spring is in the air, the Sun is shining, the plants are blooming and everything feels good in the world. Well at least for now it does. Recent global events have caused speculation and worry about our planet, the environmental problems we're having and it has got a lot people asking questions, which personally, I like. It's nice to see humans thinking beyond just the daily chores or the next problem they face at work, but seeing the world as a whole and seeing our place on its surface!

The earthquakes in New Zealand, Japan and the various other countries across the world have drawn a strange kind of unity from humans, one I have never really encountered but I can only imagine is somewhat like the countries involved in WWII, although our plights of now somewhat are overshadowed by the destruction and human life lost during WWII. The jist of my point being, it is nice to see humans interacting with each other for the greater good of other people rather than for selfish capital gain. But it is not just a time for natural disasters.

Libya, The Ivory Coast and many more places are now fighting an internal war amongst themselves, turfing out dictators, fighting oppression and seeing the people rise against the wrongs done to them for many years. It is a year of change, a time of new beginnings and the rise of powers driven by the people for the people. Yet, is it not the same countries dishing out the punishments, helping everywhere they can and as much as I praise the UN for all the work they do, maybe they need to be careful with whom they continually use for ratification of problems in these troubled countries.
Don't get me wrong, I like the USA but I worry that as such a young country (in terms of world history) they are going to get their comeuppance! Much like the school yard bully one day picking on the wrong kid, I worry that America and all it's influence and agenda, will one day pick on (sorry, try to help) the wrong people and from that we will all suffer, especially if as a nation, the UK continues to ally itself with the USA in every matter of global conflict. Can we not stand on our own two feet as a nation? We once, many years ago, conquered the seas and land across a stretch that was said to never have the sun set on our empire. Of course this is not what Britain is today, but must we always have Americas side? Can we not stand alone, proud and true, stand by what we believe should be done, being fair, just and British?!?

But enough of politics, for as much as these sort of things intrigue me, it is more from an anthropoligical view then a political one. I am not a lover of politics although I have learnt and understood recently that they are necessary for our societies in this modern world to work! Otherwise, I feel we would be thrown into Chaos with greed and power becoming the building blocks of humanity rather than the softened somewhat media splattered world that we percieve now! One straining for scientific and knowledgable gains! And boy have we had some exciting ones recently!

The recent possible discovery of an unknown particle at the Tevatron accelarator in the US could mean a complete re-think of what is known as the Standard Model, a base concept of physics. If this particle is discovered to exist in a state unbeknown to us until now, then this means the way we have see the Universe could suddenly be thrown into question and dispute, a new era of exploration and understanding. Personally, despite not having the accumen and finite knowledge of physicts and cosmosolgists the world over, I think this brings us one step closer to an understanding of the Universe.

I have been watching Prof Brian Cox's 'Wonders of the Universe' on television recently and it has been amazing to see such a passionate man portraying his views on the greatest story known to man. He has helped me to better understand certain answers to some very bizarre questions that I have had of late. If you have not watched this series and you are of the explorative disposition then I really recommend it, mind bendingly wonderful. Another series to help expand the mind and see humanity for what it is was the wonderful BBC documentary called 'Human Planet'. This was again another jaw-droppingly wonderous program that explored humanity as a whole. Seeing that as a race and inhabitant of Earth we have made some major discoveries, we have adapted and grown in to all enviroments across the globe to reach our stomping grounds of today, this program tests even the most staunch human to re-evaluate themselves in the greater scheme of things and to ask the big question, what is it all about!?!

My Brother (Eldred) and I had a very in depth chat the other evening, was very deep for a Tuesday afternoon, but our discussion was about a theory I had kind of heard and kind of embelished on. The theory we were chatting about was about the very first light to enter our Universe and what is said to be the very building blocks of life. My twist on this was saying that if as Prof Brian Cox said in his program, this light still falls across every part of the Universe except that now it is stretched across space due to the expanding Universe and as a result of this the wave form of this light has stretched to beyond the Infra Red spectrum; then my theory takes this thought of the first light being everywhere and on everything, could this not be our higher state of conciousness, our universal collectiveness?!?

Apologies, this is a long entry but I have lots to say and still more to tell, but for now, I will try and work on my light theory so you can gain a greater understanding as both my Brother and I have been trying to do.

So the light stretches across the whole Universe it is just that our eyes cannot see it, much like Infra Red and Ultra Violet. Our eyes do not see everything in the Universe, only that which our brains and eyes can decipher. So this light is there but unseen!

More often then any other story of near-death experiences, the trend seems to be that we head towards a bright light, a feeling of light, brightness, wholeness. Even the books I have read, base the concept of collective conciousness and furtherment of human psyche on a 'brighter' world.
Now I have never had an experience like this so I cannot agree nor disagree. But these ideas coupled with the science told by physicts about the 'light' made me think.

What if we are this light and this light is us? Prof Cox explained that the very first light in the Universe did not shine in all directions exactly the same due to density variations in the otherwise empty pre-universal space, these density anomalies forced the light to become thicker and thinner in places, pushing these light particles into each other and thus sparking the construction of the Universe and all life as we know it! So breaking this down to its most basic meaning, we come from light! What is to say then that when we die and our bodies are laid to rest, our conciousness is not returned to the 'light', we become one with the Universe again, our bodies being recycled by our planet and inner-being taking its path back to the unified Universe?!?

I will try to expand on this some more, but please do get in touch if you have any questions, queries or theories, or you just plain old want to chat about any of the subjects I have written about in this or any of my previous blog entries.

Would be good to hear from you.

Speak soon.

Overhaul of thought...

Okay, so recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Inspired by a book called 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me' by Edward Canfor-Dumas, I have been delving inside myself to understand why recently I have been finding life hard work.

Aside of the fact that I am low on money and my dependency on finances always upsets me, aside of the fact that I currently work in a job that I am not too keen on, the upside being that I change jobs in under a week, but still face the bleakness of an office based role. All these elements put to one side for they are but situational causes, I still feel unhappy, internally.

I have recently been at logger heads with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years but then we've always had a heated relationship. One of those that when the going is good, it's really good and when it's bad, it's really bad! Everyone knows of them or has experienced them. We've been fighting over all sorts of things and recently we both seem to have become desolate and troubled. I think we've reached that point where the next step is needed. On the one hand we have the option of moving out together, starting a family and the kind of things that go alongside such dramatic steps. On the other hand, we have to face our demons and see whether or not our relationship is working and what we're do if it isn't. And sweets if you are reading this, I am sorry for how I have behaved of late, self defeating and not easy to live with I can well imagine. Read on, might make some sense!

There are other factors to my unhappiness. Some recent family events have really taken their toll on not only myself but other members of the family too. My Gran Blackwell has taken a bad turn with Alzheimer's in full swing and her state of health deteriorating rapidly. It is very sad to see. Gran Blackwell has always been the Matriarch of the family, least since I have been alive. My Grandfathers on both sides died when I was young so the Grandmothers have been the leaders of the pack so to speak. So to see my Gran Blackwell going down hill as she is, it gives a true lesson on just how short life is. I remember my Gran's 62 Birthday, the scary thought is, my Dad turns that next year! My Gran Wood is still full of beans but even she must face the tides of time and it worries me that I have not seen her enough over the years, mainly due to the fact the Gran Wood lives in Liverpool which is fair jaunt away from me, but this is a pitiful excuse. I plan to go visit her and soon.

Not only does this all lay upon my shoulders like a dark storm cloud waiting to break, there are other aspects that plague my mind too.

In recent months, my world has been flipped around and spun about. My Father has always been a very influential man to me, teaching and talking with me through various topics and subjects. Always a stern man with little room for the powdery niceties that my Mum has, but my Father has always been quite the rock to me. I love him as a son should love a Father and that will never change. I guess maybe I have just been shown he is human after all! Something I never really considered before. Of course I didn't. This is my Dad, the man that built me toys, showed me how to use power tools, fixed my bike, taught me to be smart, tidy and honest, how to be a Gentleman and how to be strong, not only physically, but emotionally. So to learn that he is just as human as me, well that blew my mind. To learn that he too can make mistakes, tell a lie or cause problems was not something I had expected. Not from my Dad. But as I said, this does not change a thing in my relationship to him, he is still my Father, still the leader of my family clan, still the man I depend upon to be strong when I need him. Just maybe now I understand him a little more human, he's less an oracle of knowledge, more an experienced human, doing the same as everyone else, wading through life just like me.

So with these close personal matters bouncing around inside my head, plus my unrelenting search for truth and enlightenment, I have had a busy mind state of late.
The book inspired me to take a look at myself. Part of the ideology behind it is that we set up our own problems and downfalls, allowing ourselves to spiral inwards when things go bad, self indulging the 'Bad Me' state of mind. I have realised that through this process, I am often my own worst enemy. I think people conspire against me, I doubt peoples allegiances and intentions, I think that people are talking about me behind my back, I basically put up blocks or show anger at things that people haven't even done and then wonder why they react the way they do, well duh! If someone approaches me in a bad mood for something I haven't done, I often react a certain way, usually dismissive and non-tolerant. So why do I expect anything different from those around me?
I apply this question to myself about a lot of matters, my girlfriend and I, my family, my closest and dearest friends, all of which I have demonstrated this stupid behaviour with.

My very good friend Shaunbag is a perfect example. I got very tetchy around him just before we embarked on the Mongol Rally, for no other reason than I thought he had a problem with me. Because of this behaviour on my behalf, he ended up having a problem with me and feeling I reacted badly under pressure. Which, in essence, he was right! I created the situation through my own thoughts and feelings, emanating a bad vibe and then I wondered why he reacted the way he did! Now, well it all seems kind of obvious. Shaun, if you are reading this buddy, I am sorry about that, put it down to experience and learning. Thanks for sticking in there though man.

But I realise that I have done this continually through life. Looking for the bad, seeing problems and fearing rejection when there really is no need for it. But how do I stop it? How do I stop an element of myself that has been key to my personality for years? What steps to do I take to become more self assured, see the good rather than the bad.

My aspirations, reading and travels help greatly. I aspire to become a better individual, more understanding, less offensive and less abstinent. The Celestine Prophecy talks about a kind of life force that emanates from you, paving the way ahead for others to interact with, so if I wish to make my life into something good, then I have to stop pushing the 'Bad Me' forward and open myself up to a better, more positive, self believing side. I believe this is also intrinsic of Buddhism too.

So, as I continue to dream and aim to travel the world, I will work hard, saving as much money as I can, not spending it on frivolities and possessions. I am going to work hard on myself too. I will try to stop being so closed, so easy to think people are being off with me, to control my anger and frustration, to dust off the bad and polish the good. I will allow life to happen and stop being so angered by it. Those that want to know me can, those that don't, won't!
The old saying 'You can please some people, some of the time, but not all people, all of the time' rings true to me now. For I can be only me, allow life to fill me with its paths and wonderment, and I will take one day at a time. Each moment as a new moment!

I will take inspiration from 'The Buddha, Geoff and Me', I will think about my goals, targets, causes and other attributes and just try to be a better all well rounded human being. I hope this makes sense to those I have mentioned and those I have not and that none of you find offence from it. If you do, well please say and I can amended what I have written should you want me to, but this is simply my interpretation of things, my mind state at this point in my day, changing, evolving, learning!

2011 - The year of change.

And so a new year has begun. This is the time that everyone sets goals and targets to achieve over the coming year. Some are for a change of habits, to quit smoking, to drink less or to change ones diet. Other people invoke more thought into their ideas seeking travel or experience, capital gain or financial solidification. Whatever the agenda ahead, most people are ready to face hardships and frustration as the year starts. But how many succeed and how many fail?!

I know that for the large part, most friends and family in my close circles unfortunately fail in their goals. Dietry concerns are the most popular among them and unfortunately most never see it through for more than the first few weeks. Of course, this bold statement does not apply to all or everyone. Some rise above temptation, they avoid the fatal traps that lure you back to the situations we know will give us that mind set to break our oaths to ourselves. My girlfriend and my Mother are two such people that are holding fast their promises to eat better and of that I am proud.

As for myself, well this year seemed bleak when first it rolled upon us. In comparisson to the year just past, it had a lot to live up to and I know that as these coming months dwindle past, nothing will compare in granduer to the scale of the Mongol Rally last year! But this has only given me more insentive to seek out new thrills and new experiences yet to be had. It has also encouraged me to look closer to home for enlightenment and travel. I have recently been discussing Scotland and Ireland as two places so close to home yet never, by my eyes, seen!

I have started work for a company in the Dockyards in Portsmouth. I have never been one to think of myself as superior or greater than any one or thing, yet this working position is beneath me. It entails making tea, ordering sandwiches and locking filing cabinets. A job I feel is not for me. Considering my education, my working history and my achievements, this role does not challenge me in the slightest. But yet there is a faint glimmer of hope! I have been offered another role in a different company, one that I feel will challenge me and allow me to grow into it. This is something I need and want, for to be content without challenge is to allow time to idley pass you, missing life and opportunity.

And thus my search for everything spiritual and life changing takes a back seat, for now, until the daily motions are set at least. This will not stop me musing however, just that my concentration must be on betterment rather than wonderment. I will return and sooner than you think!

The Return

The last few months have been an incredible adventure for me. I have travelled from the UK to Mongolia and back, I have traversed from the highest emotional highs to the most depressing lows, I have seen the most beautiful sights and felt the darkest nights. And now, after 5 months of life changing events, I return to normality and its humanity.

My adventure to Mongolia was incredible. We set off from Goodwood on Saturday July 24th 2010 and by Friday August 20th 2010 we were in Ulanbataar, Mongolia. It was indescribably amazing. I will write a full and detailed account of what happened each day and the things that we undertook along the way, from firing RPGs and machine guns, to eating with a Mongolian family and being slightly scared by a strange Russian chap and his daughter.
But the trip itself was jaw droppingly immense. I have tried to tell people that I have spoken to about it, tried to describe and illustrate just how life changing and worth while it is but I feel that my words escape me and I can only tell them half of the whole feeling.
Alongside that, we managed to raise a whooping £2200 for charity and with donating our vehicle to charity too, we raised a further $3350 (£2100). All in all, we were very pleased with how our team did and what we managed to contribute to charity!

The rally also allowed for a great deal of thought and contemplation. Although I took only fictional novels with me to read on some of the long haul drives, these novels reflected my mood and feelings and somehow managed to help me relate and survive some low periods. The books I was reading were part of The Saxon Stories by Bernard Cornwell. These stories are about a young Englishman who is adopted by a Viking clan and shown how they live before returning to his own people and then having to turn and fight against the Vikings he had grown to love. Along the way he faces close personal loss, battles of immeasurable hardship and a plethora of other contributing factors that make his life a constant battlefield. But through the grime, blood and hate, there is an underlying search for calm, for prosperity and for love.

Often when I took my turn to sit squished and cramped in the back of our Terios, crossing through some of the landscapes that Kazakhstan and Mongolia and many other countries had to offer, I would absorb myself into the novel, putting myself in the place of Uthred Ragnarsson (the hero of the story) and in turn, putting him in my place. I felt as though, as we travelled across Asia, that I was a Viking of old, heading out to discover new worlds and places, sailing the seas, facing the pitfalls of life and the battles of death. Whether people would look at me odd for admitting that I do not know, but I used his resilience and inner power to help me through some low points on the journey.

Saying this however, the highs greatly outnumbered the lows by a huge amount. Some of the most audacious experiences I have had, came from Team Metalrallykhar and our enjoyment on the road. Swimming in the Black Sea, getting drunk with a Ukrainian campsite owner, eating Pasta and tomato whilst drinking Vodka by the bucket load, driving some amazing roads, navigating our way through almost non existent tracks and pitting Bertha (our car) against some formidable terrain. These and many more occurings have inspired me, driven me to investigate further adventures yet to be had. Seeing the lives of others pass before my eyes, talking to locals from all walks of life and places across the world, experiencing everything I did has not only motivated me to do more with my life, but has given me the passion to do so.

But as with all good things, it came to an end. A drunken and fuel frenzied end, but a terminal and undeniable end. We spent 2 full days in Ulanbataar before flying home. When we reached Berlin, Shaun went off to Spain to see his lady and then Dan and I made our way back to England. It was good to be home, but as with festivals I have found, the blues set in massively. So I decided that I would use my unemployed status to my advantage and head out on the road again. This time I decided to go it alone but would again be on the road. Having read so much about Vikings and their history over the past few weeks, I thought a trip to their homeland would be inspirational and informative. So after a brief shopping trip to the local shops, I packed my bags and not even 4 days since my return from Mongolia, I set out on the road to Denmark.

It was a strange but enjoyable experience going it alone in a foreign country. But thankfully I used this time to practice my Danish, to learn about other cultures and to explore the background of such an incredible nation and it history. I journeyed from town to city, taking in as many sites as I could. Visiting museums, galleries, exhibits and many other cultural aspects. It was amazing. Lonely at times, when wanting to discuss what I had just seen or experienced, but apart from that, it was a lot fun.

Then after 7 days of journeying alone, I returned home, to my family, to my friends and my lady. It was good to see them all, to hear what they had done, to see that life goes on regardless and to learn that no matter how much you fear the unknown, I believe it offers you more than you can ever expect.

So now I am back, I have finally found a little job for 5 months whilst I contemplate and plan my future and the next adventure in my life. Many other things and events have unfurled in the recent months but these are entries in my blog yet to come.

But for now, I bid thee farewell and I hope this has given some kind of insight into what the Mongol Rally has to offer each and every one of us, if you have the initiative and gumption to go out on a limb and do something daring, something new, something amazing!

Temporary Break

Apologies for any of you that do read my blog. Due to my recent travels and now looking for a job, I have been unable to write a good and full update on here about recent events and life. I will do my best to have something up on here as soon as possible.

Kind regards

Destinies Universal Path...

When standing staring up at the Universe for all its resplendent glory, I am belittled and reduced. I see as far as my eye can allow, through the haze of light thrown up by our industrial so called glory, cutting through the atmospheric layers that we have battered and pummeled, through all this my eyes reach far into the heavens, searching across the sky as though looking for a new beginning. I yearn for my feet to be lifted off the floor and for my body and soul to float high into those heavens so I can gaze upon it with eyes of wonderment and love, to see the truth.

I know that one day, whether I am conscious of it or not, I will see the Universe for all that it is, I will understand what all these religions and cults have yearned to discover for so long, I will see what they call 'God' or 'Allah' and I will find those answers to the questions that I have not even yet begun to ask.

Every day, I embrace the life that thrives on this planet, our one small rock floating in the vastness of space and time. Not knowing what celestial powers will pull upon us next. Our planet floats through the infinity of space, avoiding collisions with many satellites and orbiting bodies, missing asteroids and comets that cruise across our orbit of the Sun. We should be grateful that when we wake each Morning, we do wake!

The more that I stare into the vastness of space the more I dread my pitiful existence and the more I realise that we have to make the most of this chance we have to walk the skin of our rock we call Earth.

A program that helped me to understand and positively embrace our planet was the remake of a classic 1960's show called Battlestar Galactica. Without ruining the plot, it is about a group of humans that are searching for Earth and how they must combat not just an enemy but also the vastness of space. I suggest those that have a liking for Sci-Fi and Anthropology, may enjoy this TV series greatly. It was very interesting to see how the Directors, Writers and Producers described the journey and how they created a unique and different type of modern story.

My fondness of the unexplained and the vastness of the Universe, stems from my childhood. I have always enjoyed the subject of Space. I have found it confounding how we can fight and battle away within our nations and countries when all we need do is look up and realise that it is all pitiful and a complete waste of life and technology. How many great Scientists have been murdered and killed because rather than applying their intellect to devices and creations to help the human race into the stars, we have instead had these minds forge weapons of mass destruction so that we can kill and plunder the world that we delicately live upon.
Religion, Politics and Money, they are among some of the excuses we as humans give to one another for the reasons why we still war! But in an age like ours, after having seen the travesties of World War 1 & 2, and then the devastation caused by America's intervention in Vietnam and now the Middle East conflicts, can the rational members of the world not see what carnage and ill-place destruction we cause upon not only ourselves but the world under our feet!
Can this constant belligerence and havoc not be turned into something good, a celebration of technology, a union of power for the greater good of mankind?

In just over 4 weeks, I am to embark on a journey taking me some 10000 miles across the globe. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am taking part in the Mongol Rally 2010. This is to be a mammoth voyage in which I will meet many different cultures, beliefs, people and lives. I plan on embracing every single person, animal and situation with an open mind and an open heart. My plan is to take what I have been brought up with, living with for the past 28 years, taking that upon which I have become complacent and dependable, and freeing myself of these shackles. Casting myself into the hands of the planet and allowing the humans that dwell on it to shape my future! Letting the Gods direct me as they will, fate and destiny carving its own path through my life. I walk blindly into the unknown, I turn away from conformity and face the uncertainness that each day will bring. I am thankful to those that have helped me get to this stage, that have given me the opportunity to take part in a task such as this, for without them, I would stay exactly where I have been up until now, yet asking the same questions, at least now, I can experience another way of life, an alternate path and from that I can make my own decisions about how I will shape my future upon this celestial rock!

Doomsday...

From the mounting tide of problems that each day brings, I now feel exhausted beyond the comparable and find myself slipping deeper into myself then I have done before. I wonder if half the problems I face are my own doing and in turn as defence I push them on to others, I have become my own turmoil! Pushing away those that care the most.

I am scared of what I am and who I am, for truly, I do not know the answer to either. I wish I could take a breather from myself sometimes! Is this anguish a self duplicitous misanthropy full of foreboding and a unknowing conquest for the answers to life? The answer to that, as before, remain a mystery.

My dreams have become plagued with anxiety and anger. I fight to gain control as terror sweeps through my mind and body, freezing my nerves and scaring my soul. I yearn for the touch of whatever 'God' creates and manipulates this existence to which I find myself a part of. I yearn to find the answers to all my questions, to give me a clarity for which my feelings of guilt are removed.

Every second that passes I fear I am wasting. Using the mundality of existence to excuse myself from the fact that as I work along to the same beat of the drum that the larger proportion of humanity works to, am I guilty of conceding to the rhetorical 'man', dancing when he says dance, working he says work. I have started to believe that I do not fight with my honour and pride as any great human should.

I yield, as so many others do alongside. It is easier living without the questions that should be asked and why so many people choose an escapism other than the mind and body. Adrenaline junkies, artists, writers and politicians, every man, woman and human is trapped in the eternal vortex that we call life. Working to make ends meat, to survive, but what is survival without the appreciation of life itself. Is it 'society' to work hundreds of hands to the bone without allowing the freedom to grow and express themselves as we all should, to see what life is and embrace it.

My fear of death is not one the shrouds my days, making me a frigid and incomprehensible machine, but when I plunge deep into my soul, to face, one on one, my greatest opponent, it simply stares me in the face and tells me that one day, we will all stand there, in the darkness, the terminal, the end!

I cannot answer my own questions on life anymore. My searches for truth seem fruitless. Every book I read, every program I watch, every talk I have, as much as these shed light on the opinions of others, they are exactly that. No one can give me an answer, a statement for which there is an avenue of research, an end.

No, this alone is my quest, but without guidance, how can one ever expect to find that for which they seek!

This nature of humanity, this lustful, animalistic society, survival of the fittest, makes me sorry for my wrong doings but praises nothing that is done right. Man and woman stand to defend their country day in and day out, yet others rip and tear at it, gaining only for themselves! How is this society? How is this humanity?

My sleep terrors may bring fear to my life but in a way I am glad of them. They make me realise that until I stand before Death, I must become life and not just live it. I must see what life is, from the smallest child to the oldest adult, I must embrace every stage, for who knows when yours or my time is up! What turmoil do we face tomorrow? Live each day, each hour, each minute for exactly what it is, another stage in our lives, in our book, in our legacy.

The truth may never been known and as I live and breath, I will never stop my mind questioning that which is and that which can be. I am life and death, now I must choose my path and my journey. Maybe this in itself, is my answer! We are the ying and the yang!