As I sit here surrounded by beauty staring into the abyss of the Atlantic ocean, I reflect on the past few days and what they have helped me to understand.
There are a myriad of things that are floating through my mind, like leaves on a stream, but one thought that is more prominent is about a conversation that was had around love, sex and relationships.
During the conversation, the woman leading the retreat said that she felt very safe in my company. I create a feeling of equality and calm which is both warming and comfortable.
However, what she also indicated is that I lack a certain spice, that I lack, or quash, a fire that helps to show my true energy and feelings.
I explained to her the anger of my younger years. As I have explained in previous posts on social media, I was an angry man and that anger hurt a lot of people near and dear to me. This hurt created a deep sense of loneliness within me. I couldn't understand why people didn't understand me and my anger, and so I pushed them away.
But with this anger came the fire that she said I lacked. My spice so to speak.
From my earliest years, I was often presented with anger in my family life. As previously described, my Father was an angry man and so I grew up learning that anger and rage were tools with which you could achieve what you desired, even if it meant others were hurt or pushed away. It was not a healthy upbringing or way of growing up, but it was all that I had.
One day, years ago, I realised that in order to have a more fulfilling and harmonious life, I needed to stop expressing anger and rage in the way that I did. I also realised that no one else can stop my anger except me. I alone can calm and limit the hurt I cause to others and in turn the loneliness I created for myself. And so I took steps to redirect that anger. I took up yoga, counselling, running, meditation and a plethora of other activities to use that fire energy in a more productive and healthy way.
What I also did, was cage that angry beast deep within my soul. And to protect myself from opening that cage, I surrounded it with fear. Fear that if I opened that cage, the beast that lay within would wreak havoc upon those closest to me, and to myself in the same moment. This redirection of the fire energy and the closing of the cage, allowed me to be a more moderated human, forging stronger relationships with friends and family alike. My rage and anger were quashed and hidden away. But in turn, it also meant that I seemed less passionate, a man with less fire and spice.
During the conversation I was prompted and enticed to open the cage door. It scared me a lot. But with less than gentle persuasion, I cracked the door open a little and let some of that fire burn a bit brighter. The beast stirred and I felt it.
What was different now though was that I felt a sense of control over the beast within, which I had never felt before.
As the session progressed and I allowed the cage door to open more fully, I felt the fire and passion burn brighter still and start to creep out of the cage, yet the beast remained within sending it's energy out in a different way to how it once had during my youth.
I likened my limiting of the energy in this conversation to that of a sine wave. Being overly emotional and not in control of the beast, my moods could swing from manic happiness to rageful anger. However, once I controlled the beast and locked the cage covering it with fear, my restricted emotions meant that my mood would sway less dramatically between happiness and sadness. The attached illustration provides a visual representation of what I mean.
What this also meant though was that my passion was quashed and this in turn could be off putting for potential romantic partners.
In my youth, I used that fire and passion to get what I wanted, usually in a sexual or romantic sense. Once closing that cage though, I lacked the impetus to pursue such ventures. Previous recent romantic partners have commented on my lack of initiating sexual engagements. And I understood this. I could never articulate why though. I was scared to open the cage, to explain why that fire burnt less bright. I didn't know if I could control the beast and so it was easier and safer for me to be less.
This was not all bad though. Many of my previous partners also said that they felt safe with me, that I created a relationship where they felt equal and able to express themselves openly.
There were occasions where the beast tested the strength of the cage and that in turn scared me, turning that limited passion into a sense of neediness and longing for someone to stay with me even if I knew deep down, the relationship was not meant to be.
What the past few days has shown me is that I am not the man I once was and that the beast I have been so scared of, is not the same either. Both man and beast have changed, we have grown and we have created a more harmonious balance.
Maybe it is time, to allow that beast to step out of the cage, but to know that we work together. We share energy, fire and passion, that I am not different to the beast, but instead we are one and the same animal.
It is time to pursue that which I want, creating a safe space with equality and love, coupled with passion, fire and harmony.
Today, I take my first steps to being both Wulf & beast.
It will come with its challenges, and I will likely make mistakes, but I will also have the strength, the awareness and the acceptance to understand I am human, and to learn as I progress through life.
I share this with you all in a hope that it resonates with some of you. That you too can appreciate the difficulties and nuances of life and that as long as you are true to yourself, allowing all of your different aspects to be a part of you, hopefully we can all find that harmony between person and beast.
