Thoughts on my future

I was recently asked by my counsellor "What do I want out of life? What do I want in the next five years?".

It is a tough question because 'I don't know' is the answer.

What does anyone want? To be happy. To have family and friends around them. To go on adventures and feel the sun on your face. To find or maintain love etc.

The list goes on and on. But when we really delve deeper into the question, what is it that we want? Or more specifically, what is it that I want?

As a young lad, I was socially conditioned to believe that the wants of the many were a house, a wife or partner, to have children, nice cars, etc. And for a long while, this is what I wanted to achieve.

But, as life does, my wants and dreams have changed. Around somewhere in my mid-twenties, I made the decision that I didn't want to have children. This was a big decision but I was happy plodding through life as I was and the thought of having to tend to and look after children was not very appealing. And so that became my first change.

A few years later, I also decided that the thought of a mortgage for thirty something years did not appeal either and that I would rather rent a place giving me the freedom to up and leave as and when I wanted. So I moved out with this in mind and the second change became.

The job was a given and after years of bouncing around between jobs, I settled in the defence sector for just over five years. However, after a crisis of conscience and a bout of rather heavy depression, I left that sector and have found myself working in the environmental sector which is much more up my street. And here I have been for nearly six years. I have worked my way up from a Project Manager to Senior Project Manager. I have worked on some multi million pound projects across the country and I get to work with some amazing people. I am also on the companies Employee Ownership Trust (EOT) board of directors. It still blows my mind to see my name against the business on companies house website. Makes me feel all very grown up.

After all the information about my Father came out, my whole family's lives changed. My Mum and Father split. My Father moved into a little flat whilst awaiting his fate from the courts. As such, my Mum decided to sell the family home and downsize as she did not need a property that big for just her.

My Brother and I were living in a rented house a few miles away. Before my Mum sold the family home we moved back to live with her and help her do the place up. During this time, my Mum offered us both enough money to be able to put down a deposit for a mortgage. Despite my reservations about having a mortgage, it seemed to make sense and so I gratefully accepted the offer and set about buying my first home. It was a little one bed flat in Portchester, Hampshire. I moved in in November 2019 and was content enough with the property and my life. 

Then last year, I went through a couple of events that changed my life. After having lived in my little flat in Portchester for about 15 months, my then girlfriend and I bought a house in Cowplain, Hampshire. It was a three bedroom house in good condition but it needed some major updating. We set about doing this but I became so focused on making our home beautiful that I neglected her. This coupled with other issues in our relationship, brought about an end after two years and a few months. She moved out and I bought the house off of her using money that my Father long term loaned me. 

So the second change that I mentioned previously was undone. I had wanted to rent, had done for a while and then ended up in my second purchased property, alone. I still own the house and live here with a lodger but it is funny how our minds can change given opportunity and reason.

Two of my closest and dearest friends have both had children over the past three years. One has a young boy and girl, and the other a boy. My Brother also has a little lad and my Sister has two boys and a girl. Plus I know many other people with kids. I used to find the whining and crying, the deficating and mess that children create, agonising and horrible. It put me off massively and made me pretty resolute on not having kids. I love all the ones in my life, especially those of my family and closest friends, but there is also a part of me that stayed resolute about not wanting kids. That was until I nearly had one myself.

Last year, a young Lady and I had a couple of 'fun' weekends. We would later go on to date for a brief while, but at that time, it was no strings fun and that was all. I was away on a solo walking trip taking on the national three peaks. As I was driving from Scotland into the Lake District, I received a message from said young Lady telling me we needed to talk. I was sat in traffic at the time and so said to her to let me know what was up and that we could talk whenever. I received two photos of positive pregnancy tests. I immediately called her and we talked for a few hours. We decided to have the rest of the week to think about it and we would then talk again at the weekend.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that really the choice was hers and the best and only thing I could do, would be to stand by her decision. It is her body and her choice after all. I can offer my thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I cannot make her do anything she did not want to do. And so I told her this. She was very happy with my point of view and said that most men would not be so open minded or understanding.

We spoke again at the weekend and decided to terminate the foetus.

We lived a couple of hours apart and so I offered to come and be with her as she went through the termination. She was going to take some pills that would essentially flush her system out and thus terminate the baby.

Unfortunately she then contracted COVID and ended up doing the pills without me. I still feel bad that I could not be there with her, but it was her choice and I respected her bravery and decision.

But then something I didn't expect happened. It slowly dawned on me that perhaps I do want a child after all. Human nature is a want to reproduce as it is our way of being able leave our mark on the planet. Most animals have an inate drive for reproduction. People that decide not to have children have my utmost respect as I know how hard it is to fight off that drive. I am sure there are people out there that it doesn't phase or even take much energy to decide, but I know for me, when I went through the years after deciding I didn't want kids, I definitely had times where I questionned my decision.

And now? And now, I am 41 years old, I am single and I am indifferent. If I am fortunate enough to meet a woman that would like to have children with me then I think I would be happy to go with it. However, if I stay alone or meet someone that doesn't want children, or already has some, then I think I will be okay to not have any myself.

For a long time I used to tell people that if I did ever want kids that I would look to adopt anyway as there are thousands of young children in need of love and nurture so why bring another mouth on to an already over populated planet?

But who knows? I sure don't.

And so, the first change I had previously mentioned, changed again. But this time into a third change. If it is to be, it will be, if it is not, it won't.

So, what do I want in the future? I don't know is still my answer. 

I would like to meet someone to share my life with, but not for a good long while, at least 12-24 months from now. I miss companionship and I miss romantic love, but the past 18 months have left me scarred and hurt. I need to keep working on myself, becoming better with more understanding every day. This will become the true me and will never stop. Life is one giant lesson except there is no big exam, we are tested the whole way through. I am scared of being alone, of walking through life with no-one to truly share it with. It's great to have friends and family, but when I lie down in bed at night, I have no one to talk about my day with or to simply cuddle and hold for a while, that I miss and I hope to one day find again.

In terms of work, I would like to progress up the career ladder but as Uncle Ben says to Spiderman "With great power comes great responsibility". Am I ready for that? Maybe, maybe not. We shall see. My truest want is to find a job that gets me out into the world doing good. I have always wanted to work in conservation and the field I am in now definitely gives me the potential to do this but I would need to gain more experience and/or study. I have studied a lot over the years and would like to study more. But financing this sort of thing is difficult, especially as I would be doing this alone in the most part. I have also investigated getting into adventure leading. I have travelled the world and been on some excellent adventures (homage to Bill & Ted there), and it would be awesome to either make this my life or to find a job where I can lead others on adventures. Again, this needs time and money.

With my house, I do have a plan there. I recently extended my mortgage for five years which was very fortunate as the interest rates have sky rocketed and a lot of people are struggling. With this five year extension, I plan to use my time to continue doing the house up. Decorating, cleaning and making it ready for me to one day be able to rent it out. During this time, I will hopefully be able to save up and purchase a van or something similar which I will make ready to be my home on the road. That, or I can move away from the little town I grew up and start life somewhere new and exciting in a rented property and leave my purchased house, ticking over and paying itself off. This plan gives me flexibility and a good base if other things go rotten or plans fail.

Most of all, I want to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy with who I am and to keep growing and learning. I have been in a dark place of late and despite all of the work I have done to try and improve myself, I still have a lot more work to do. I would like to find that happy place again, although I do not truly know if I have ever been there. Maybe one day I will, I do hope so.

Mental Health and the battles we face

This is a bit of a long read but hopefully it might help those out there that need it.

For me, the past 18 months have been very tough. My mental and physical health have been on a rollercoaster and at one point recently I did not think I could or would make it through.
It is well known that physical exercise is good for the body and brain. I am a keen runner and adventure seeker and enjoy the great outdoors, being in nature and pushing myself to new limits. Unfortunately, due to my mental health, all of this dropped away as I had no motivation or want to train or push myself. I lost 12kg in weight in 3 months, went through a health scare, pretty much stopped eating and was smoking a lot. Anxiety, depression and stress were the main contributing factors and for a little while, I considered ending it all.

One evening, I called a helpline on three occasions but unfortunately they did not answer which left me feeling very isolated and alone. I then called the EAP (Employee Assistance Programme) at work and was lucky enough to get through to a very kind Gent that listened to me for over an hour. He may never know what he did for me that night, but he helped me by simply by being there and listening. That calmed things down at the time but the pain remained and the want to end it continued. But what caused this plummet in my mental health and why did I consider ending it all?

Over the past year, I have been through two relationship breakdowns and unfortunately these breakdowns left me feeling like I am broken and not worthy of love. I have not always been successful in relationships, and one of the main reasons given by my ex-partners is that I am an angry man. I have been told that I fall in love too quickly, that I put people on pedestals and doubt my own self worth thus creating disharmony and disruption between myself and my partner. Having suffered this sort of loss in quick succession, I felt unlovable and damaged.

Not only did I go through this, but I also had to deal with my Father being released from prison. He was incarcerated due to his sexual abuse of my Sister when she was young, although he never openly admitted it to the Police or courts. Instead he was put away for possessing images and content of underage girls including my Sister and her friend.
Unfortunately, due to the system being stretched, on the day of his release I was asked to collect him and deliver him to a probation lodging. This was a huge event in my life although at the time I don't think I truly understood how massive it was. Having to collect and then talk to a man that had hurt my Sister in ways I had never known, still now, makes me feel sick.
My Father had been my hero when I was young. I looked up to him. I wanted to gain his approval and aspired to have his strength. What a fool I was.
He was a violent and angry man, often beating my Sister, my Brother, my Mum and I. He has deeply scarred all of us mentally and my poor Sister the most. He would be loving and kind one minute and then the next he would be lashing out and wreaking havoc on our lives. The conflict coupled with the love was so confusing. He manipulated and coerced behaviours akin to his wants. He would give with one hand and then destroy with the other.
I attribute a large part of my issues now to the abuse we suffered at his hands as children. Learned behaviours and examples loaded into my memory and brain mean that now I often struggle to deal with my anger in the right way.
I have never raised a hand to any partner but I have made them feel targeted and hurt. This breaks my heart so much and I am so deeply sorry to them all. If any of you ever read this, please know I am truly so sorry.
It scares me that I may never be able to overcome the abuse I suffered as a child, that I am carrying the examples of his abuse with me and despite years of work with counsellors, groups, reading books, watching documentaries, attending seminars and various other mediums all looking at abuse survival, anger management, gaslighting and much much more, maybe I am broken and will carry these behaviours with me always? This breaks my heart too.

So with all of this, I wondered if my being here was of any use to anyone. If I can't fix myself and keep repeating the same mistakes, then what is the point? Even if I am fortunate enough to find love again, what's to say that I wouldn't end up doing the same things over and over. And so one night I decided to take the next steps toward ending it all. I prepared my method and set about readying myself to end my life.
Thankfully, my decision to end it all was stopped, primarily by my dog. One of my ex-partners and I adopted a rescue Greyhound a couple of years back, which we named Aska. He is a beautiful and elegant hound and has changed my life immeasurably. We share him with alternate fortnights and thankfully for me, it was my turn to have him.
That night, with his wonderful little face staring at me from the sofa as I sobbed and screamed, I realised that there are people and things in life that both want and need me, this was a huge wake up call and I stepped away from the darkness a little, enough to give me time to think at least. I thought of all my family and friends that would be hurt by my desire to stop the pain. All I would do is shift the pain from myself on to them and that would not be fair. I thought of my poor Mum having suffered at the hands of my Father for over 30 years, having to deal with her eldest giving up. I thought of my Sister and my Brother that had been through the same if not worse than me. I thought of my Nephews and Niece having to learn what death was and why Uncle Wulf wouldn't be about anymore. I thought of my nearest and dearest friends, some of which I have been lucky enough to be best man for, and what my actions would do to them.
And then I looked back at Aska. Tears streaming down my face, he climbed up from the sofa, came over and stood next to me just staring into my eyes, and I wept. I wept for hours. I hugged him so tightly. And he, in his own way, hugged me back.
And slowly I started to calm down. After all of that, I went to bed and I slept.

My family, friends and colleagues have been incredibly supportive during this time, with regular calls from my Mum and little check in texts and calls from my close friends. These people may not know just how much this has helped.
Without them, I would have felt alone and unwanted, broken and unfixable. But they have prompted me, pushed me, cared for me and loved me.

Since that time, I have embarked on a journey exploring my self. I have signed up to counselling again and in my first session that was supposed to last 50 minutes, I poured my heart and soul out, and the tears came thick and fast. The session ended up going on for 1 hour and 45 minutes and again, the counsellor just sat and listened, gave me guidance and suggestions and made me feel wanted and understood. She explained to me that I have been living in auto mode for a long while and that I need to find a way to stop this, to believe in myself and to appreciate my value to the world and those around me.
I have managed to start training again and have been running, climbing mountains (my happy place) and pushing myself physically and mentally to be better. I am reading more books, listening to podcasts and audiobooks that talk about gaslighting, anger management and the value of self worth. I have signed up to some more seminars and talks about understanding life and all the pitfalls and issues we must face but that by believing in yourself, you can learn to overcome these difficulties.

I am by no means fixed, but I am on the road to recovery. I have a lot of work to do. I want to beat my anger issues, to ensure that I never carry these into any future relationships. I want to learn more coping techniques and strategies that will help me understand my emotions, my desire to feel love constantly and to combat the jealously that often rises when in a relationship. I want to be a better man and all round human.
The road is long. I am in no rush to find myself in another relationship. I need time to heal, to rest, recover, rebuild and restart.
But every day is one step closer to this.

I wish I had spoken to my family and friends (including colleagues) more when the darkest days came, but I was worried they would fret, they would blame themselves or that they would not have time for me. I was wrong. They have been nothing but supportive and kind. I don't know how many of them know what I went through so I hope this does not worry you or concern you. I am okay.

So to those of you reading this, I know that at times it can feel bleak. So many people have said that with 'time' it will get better. But time can be relative. When you are with someone you love, time goes so fast. But when you want to heal or for the pain to stop, time can go so slowly. Just take each day as it comes, it will get better. I know, because slowly, it is getting better for me.
If you ever feel that life is too much, that the pain just won't go away, stop! Take a breather, go outside and simply be. Let the sunlight, moonlight, wind or the rain, wash over you. Experience being in the moment. Think of all those that love you, want and need you. Think of your family, your friends, your pets or whatever makes you happy. Reach out to someone, whether that be a helpline, a counsellor or someone you know, and just talk. Talking things through can be incredibly therapeutic, cathartic and helpful. It helps you process, digest and understand what is going on for you.
And as hard as it might be, get some exercise. Exercise releases endorphins and dopamine which benefit the body and mind massively. Even a walk can be beneficial. You get the physical benefits as well as being outdoors and seeing that the world is a vast and massive place. Knowing this, you can start to put things into perspective.

And please remember that you have value, you have worth and you are amazing. We only get one chance to live life and no matter the pain, it will get better. You are wanted, loved and cared for. Don't let the darkness consume you. Hold on to the light. Dig deep and find that strength inside. It will get better.

I hope this helps someone out there. I have not written this for plaudits or personal gain. To be honest, I have questioned whether to publish this to the wider world or not. But I thought what the hell, I have written it for some reason, maybe this is it.
Be strong, dig deep and remember your value. For you are loved, you are worthy of love and you are unique. Be that. Be you and shine.

✌️&💚X

November 2012

No longer does clarity shine brightly in my mind, no more is the path clear to follow.
I try fighting the persistent call of slumber, try to make sense of the confusion that swirls like particles in a storm, but this battlefield within is tearing me asunder. 
I wish for sleep, for quiet and for calm. I yearn for the turmoil and anger to subside and for peace and happiness to descend, yet on rages this beast incarnate, its hankering for my soul never stopping, its teeth tearing at my thoughts and its claws clasping my consciousness. The beast and the Wulf must fight, yet the victor remains shrouded and the outcome a tale yet to be written.

Leaf Life

A leaf drifts down a river, from which tree it fell is unknown.
It tumbles and twists, banging and bumping against rock and stone, its course forever down stream. 
From time to time, the leaf encounters another. They become entangled, drifting in the flow together. 
Through rapid and calm, they journey onward, the current carrying them ever forward.
They catch upon a drift wood piece, and here they rest and settle as the river does rush on past.
Turbulent waters and rubbish too, bash and smash against these leaves. They hold on tight, yet are strained and torn.
And then one day, their bond does part, their partnership has ended and that solitary leaf is alone again.
Further onward the leaf does wash, it floats from river bed to surface, at the mercy of the flow.
Until sometime, the leaf passes beyond, whether sea or structure, the leaf decays, its veins and fibres, torn asunder.
Its journey has ended and the leaf now rests.
That leaf is me.

Brexit Crap

Brexit, I'll put a hex on it, A decision made by the uninformed,
Like asking fish to fly or a cheetah to lie,
The future of our country is left to rot,
All because some of some political sot,
who...drinking and ranting and showing off,
Wanted to show he was the illest toff,
The one with the power to sway the masses,
With a cold faced lie displayed on the buses.

But rather than take the blame,
They put this out to every person the same,
Rich and poor, young and old,
A vote on a system not often seen before,
A chance to break the mould and start a new,
But how the hell did we know what to do,
They're elected and selected to represent,
Picking out the best from our so called government,
They're there to tackle the bureaucratic shizzle,
Instead they're all full of bullshit and fizzle,
And now, with just months to go,
The EU are saying to Britain 'hell no',
‘You can deal with the rubbish you've caused,
A no deal ending is what we've resolved,
You can miss out free movement and trade deals, the lot,
Head back to the good old days you filthy colonial clot.’

To stand on our island, being all proud,
With the racist jerks singing in the crowd,
The other 48% of us, have to struggle on living,
The 52% not a shit they are giving,
Our children won't get the chance to explore,
Instead they'll have the Nazi ass fuckers beating on their door,
Into a black hole we head,
Not a thought or direction, No plans or anything ahead,
Living a life away from our friends,
It all looks like a bleak and dark end,
We have to fight though, on with the push,
Look out racist fascist scumbag, move that arrogant tush.

Let's fly our flags of freedom and hope,
Dangle the racists from 12 foot of rope,
Pull Britain back from the brink of despair,
And get the nation we love back in there,
As part of the EU and then the globe,
We have hope and adventures as yet untold,
I'm proud to say I'm EU for life and don't want to leave,
So please don't exclude just because of these,
Bigots, fascists and racists alike,
I'm nothing like them, they can get on their bike,
I love the EU, I want to remain,
Never once did I ever complain.

If I have to face the democratic result,
Just know that I find it a fucking insult,
For I'm a member of the world and I'm proud,
To be a human, to live fast and loud.
So please don't forget the 48%,
It's not our decision to be so hell bent,
And on that note, I'll close my eyes,
And dream and hope that it's all just lies,
But I know that it's not and next year I'll face,
Possible the most dangerous human based race,
The race to live outside of the union,
Maybe I'll get religious and go to holy communion,
Probably not, but I'm open to suggestions,
Like packing my bags and sitting in congestion,
As I try to leave this fucked up country I'm in,
And carry on out to the world I live in.

So the final phrase is to say cheerio,
I won't say goodbye as I don't want to go.

Grounded

Whilst standing with my feet planted firmly on the ground, I stretch my hands towards the sky, realising that nothing really stands between me and the infinity of the cosmos. Above my head and upwards through the clouds, the enormity of the universe weighs lightly upon my shoulders, its grandeur beautifully displayed before my eyes, its size beyond my comprehension.

The insignificance of my actions, the irrelevance of my thoughts and wants, start to crush in on me. I begin to understand that what I crave and what I long for mean nothing to anyone but myself. I stand alone in an eternity of everything and nothing, the universe is everywhere and nowhere. From the giant binary star systems, to the smallest neutrons and protons that make up an atom, existence in its very essence is nothing but our power to observe and measure the occurrences that seem so consequential and important but in reality, are nothing more than a moment...a moment never repeated and often missed.

So whilst I stand on earth, reaching skywards and dreaming all the impossible dreams, I must learn to let go, to allow my mind to wander, to explore and to create, for the universe is there for the taking, we just have to comprehend how to take it!  

Step one...

I lust for a life of adventure, exploration and discovery.
I dream of dancing on sun-kissed sands, of climbing mountains to their highest peaks, of walking through jungles of lost civilisations, of meeting people from all over the world and sharing stories and tales of lands forgotten and untouched by the modern world.
Each journey starts with the first footstep, gathering momentum and pace as each foot falls one in front of the other. I just need to take that first step!